June 14.2022
Dear Ma, I just wanna go away. Far far away into a parallel world where there will be people who understood each other, where you and I will still be as close as we used to be. Far far away from this toxic, overwhelming surrounding which makes me want to die every second of the day. Far far away from these people who make me doubt my existence every once in a while.
Dear Ma, I often talk to you about college, about how I do not want to live in this city anymore and want to fly far away from all these people and you always respond with, "zameen par aa ja wapas warna ek din bahut upar se giregi aur bachane wala bhi koi nahi hoga" which when translated into a civil language means stay down to earth+ some words which can't really be translated and only be felt and makes you feel a lot more alone.
How do I explain it to you that I want to fly Ma? How do I explain it to you that I don't like the ground anymore? The ground isn't welcoming to me so I wanna go and explore the sky. That might be better? How do I explain it to you that I am not afraid of the fall if there is even the slightest chance of a wonderful flight?
I know I can't and I know no words will be enough to convince you to believe against what you already believe in.
Isn't it weird Ma, that when I was a kid, we used to communicate through eyes. I could read your thoughts and you could very well understand mine?
People often say that age makes you wiser, that the more you see the world, the more you start understanding how it works but this saying doesn't go very well with our situation, it rather opposes it.
Now even my spoken thoughts come off as nothing but argument to you and yours come off as nothing but conservation mindset to me.
Now I hide away in bathroom to cry and open the tap so no one especially you will be able to hear my sobs. Now our day doesn't start with a good morning hug and end with a good night kiss. Now all I think of is flying far away from here and all you take it as is how I want to get rid of you.
How do I tell you Ma that it's not you who I want to get rid of but it's the constant feeling of not being good enough for you that I run away from. How do I explain it to you that it's not this home that I dislike but the constant feeling of being behind a cage that scares me. It's not that I want to go away from you but it's just that I want to get a little closer to myself. How do I explain all this to you Ma?
If I would have known a few years ago that this is what the future has in store for us, this distance between our hearts then I would have hugged you a little longer, a little tighter. I would have stolen an extra kiss or two from you.
Please hold me Ma, hold me close to you and tell me that I am enough for you.
Please tell me that you don't think I am nothing but a disappointment to you just like the rest of the world. Please hold me and caress me, stroke my hair firmly with your fingers. Please tell me that you miss the old us too. Please tell me that you too don't like this distance between us. Please tell me that I can have my flight.
Just for once when I talk about my dreams and aspirations with you, instead of saying "koi nahi hoga bachane wala", please for once tell me,"koi ho ya na ho, hum hamesha honge".
