nothing else but my heart's desire [COLLECTION] | FINISHED

Birthday - ORIGINAL PROSE

Nestled somewhere between the deep cold of winter and the first blossoms of spring, lies a day I live to regret and feel conflicted about, centred around myself and a day I came to be, always aging since then, marching closer to demise but smiling with each step. Its a smile grateful to see the sights around me each day, taking in each sunrise, listening to the birds with each morning walk, though it has only just felt natural to wear, like a second skin, like a medal of honour I worked hard to achieve, for the right to bear. Its like the feeling you could never look in the mirror and feel nothing but comfort for the way you look, with inches of beauty creeping up on you just as another year passes by, a number I cling to yet never know what to do with.

Birthday, my birthday creeps closer, but as the months pass by I wonder what is next, only feeling stagnant in this mundane life I have found myself in. I can't cope with the idea that adventure is fantasy and fantasy is delusion, but I lived for nights where I fell asleep and woke up in the arms of a love my mind conjured from my unmet needs and fears of never feeling unconditional love.

Its like new years, where fireworks litter the sky and my cup is refilled with each tipsy motion, my mind blurry, relaxed, calm for a moment. Only until lips meet and I realise I'm alone once more. I wish to be like the others, like the people around me who blend so well with each other, each wearing masks, walking by, always hoping for the courage to turn to one another and tear the red from their features, to reveal glorious blue beneath - vulnerability both their biggest fear and deepest desire.

My birthday is a display of pretense, but its the arm extended, suspended in time for a moment I always wish for, to rejoin society, but I can never find the strength to grasp my lifeline with both hands, to be pulled to salvation. I cry as my birthday passes, another year has been lost to the wind, one step closer to my demise. I smile, the tears, they still fall.