BALH2 OS

Tere Bina Zindagi Se

"Truth is I still want her, and it's the most difficult fucking thing for me to admit after everything that's happened"

The only time Ram could afford to be vulnerable anymore was when he was sloshed at Adi and Bri's place. He couldn't be this soft at home anymore; the constant reminder and guilt of being responsible for Shivina's death was haunting, excruciatingly heartbreaking. It only made him want to please his mom and brother, the only people left to call his own, by any way possible; he'd been at his subservient best. If asked, he couldn't pinpoint any moment he remembers not feeling like he's weighed down, almost suffocating underwater, since that accident 5 years ago.

Except maybe one, the day Rihaa- Adi and Bri's daughter- was born, 2 years ago. Naturally the onus to name her came upon Ram. Holding that precious delicate gurgling bundle of mush in his hand, he felt like he'd just swam upto the surface of the the abyss he was in. Rihaa was spoilt rotten with all the love and affection that her Ram chachu showered on her, and Adi could finally see the spark of the old Ram momentarily, whenever Ram was around Ri. He helped in raising Ri as if she were his own child, but never interfered in important decisions for he knew Adi and Bri were her parents, not him.

Which is why, it surprised Ri when Ram chachu came home but instead of kissing and mollycoddling her, he went straight to the bar with her father, without sparing a glance towards her. Her mother put her to sleep early that night, knowing that her Jaan needed her the most; his dark past crossed paths with him again.

"Ram I know seeing Priya again, this suddenly, has shaken you up. But you know as well as I do that she didn't kill Shivi. You've suffered 3 years without her, don't you think it's time you forgive her?"  Adi said, softy patting Ram's hand.

"You think I don't know that Adi? I know Priya didn't push her. But she helped hide the person responsible for Shivi's death. She chose her family over me, again. She didn't believe me when I told her about Meera Maa- I mean Meera Aunty's- involvement in my father's case; infact she pinned it on me, that  I was saying all this to prove Mom wrong, that I'm making an allegation this huge on her mother to prove that I'm not biased to the Soods"

"I know Ram but Priya-"

"No Adi, I know what you'll say. That she didn't know about Meera Aunty's involvement. But when she found out, did she tell me? No. She chose to keep it to herself, maybe to hide another thing from me considering she loves- loved, loved to hide matters and subsequently lie to me about them.  But what absolutely irrevocably broke my trust was that she chose to protect whoever it was from her family who hurt Shivi. You, you- you know what Shivi means to me.... Pri Priya knew it too. She was my daughter, my princess. It took me long enough to get my dad the justice he deserved, but Shivi? I couldn't get Shivi justice." Ram broke down sobbing.

It had been 3 years but that dull ache never really went away. After Shivi's last rites when he came into her room, he saw all the things she'd left scattered about her room, as if she'd magically appear and arrange them in a way that she understood best. Seeing the half used lip gloss, cream stained pillow, clothes in bags that she never had a chance to use, a cooking manual she couldn't complete: all of it hurt. How does one even get used to this? To come back and see all the things left half-done? To have the knowledge that they can never come back to finish the things they wanted to?  Her room didn't seem like hers anymore; all it's brightness, it's beauty, it's sparkle, it all turned to ashes, along with her. Ram heard a lot of people say that the grief will lessen with time. But would it? 

The tedious, long and cold nights that followed said otherwise. He was a man without fear, without warmth and affection now; Priya had made sure to leave him with a hollow bitter numbness, almost unfeeling  along with a painful realisation: he never comes first for anyone. He came to a conclusion: anyone who said grief lessens with time didn't love like him. For him this grief was all the unspent reservoir of love he had for Shivi, and the one he'd never get to shower her with again.

"So what's the plan now Jaan?" Bri asked as she approached Ram from the back, rubbing her hands on his shoulder soothingly. Ram quirked an eyebrow, turning towards her. "About Priya jaan. About your relationship-"
"There's no relationship anymore Bri. She broke it the minute she chose to protect Shivi's killer instead of being there for me on the most hellish day of my life."

He'd grieved too much and too hard for the time he'd spend on Earth. First his biological mother, then his dad, then Vedika, then lastly Shivi and Priya together. He filled his glass with scotch and chugged it down. The burn in his throat and the adrenaline gave him the courage he needed for what he had to say next.

"I'm done with this Bri. I'm done grieving for people who choose to leave me as soon as shit hits the fan. So fucking done being the nice one, the understanding one. No more." He gets up and heads towards the couch after fiddling with the stereo, "Tomorrow is going to be a new beginning. A fresh start. No more Soods, no more tears and no more heartbreaks" he says before kicking off his shoes and using the beige throw blanket on the napoleonic blue couch to cover himself; dreams of Shivina and his dad lulling him to sleep while the stereo slowly drones Tere Bina Zindagi Se.