Three Steps To You ✔︎

Chapter 37

FIGHT WITH YOU

“Can we stop this, Andy?”

My guilt is taking control on me. I shouldnʼt have opened the door for him. I shouldnʼt have let him in my life. I wasnʼt okay to begin with. I already said I wasnʼt ready for commitment when I said yes to him.

“Stop what?” he furrowed his forehead out of confusion.

“Stop worrying about me.” I said, out of frustration as I curled my hand to a fist.

By that, he hugged me tight, “How can I stop? Itʼs only natural to worry about the person you love.” he said, softly as if there wasnʼt bothering him.

“I want to end our relationship.” I started. It hurts me so bad that I couldnʼt add more words to it. Those are only six words but... Why does it felt like I was telling him so much...? Why does it felt empty after I let out those words?

“You said you love me.” He recalled. Hindi pa ganoʼn katagal nang sabihin ko sa kaniya ang tatlong salitang iyon. Hindi imposibleng maalala niya iyon.

“I do...” I said. Malinaw na malinaw iyon sa alaala ko. Nagsisisi ako na sinabi ko iyon sa kaniya. Nagsisisi ako hindi dahil sa gusto kong bawiin ang mga salitang nabitawan ko, kundi dahil sa maling pagkakataon ko iyon nasabi.

My chin was on his shoulder as I silently cry. “But we need to stop this for me to not hurt you anymore.”

“Iʼm fine, Bliss. You are not hurting me. Oo, nasasaktan ako ngayon pero hindi dahil sa ʼyo. I am not blaming you. Nasasaktan ako kasi gusto kita, kasi mahal kita. Dahil sa nararamdaman ko kaya nasasaktan ako.” I saw him curved a smile on his lips as he caressed my back. “Donʼt blame yourself.”

I wasnʼt blaming myself if I wasnʼt at fault. Sinisisi ko ang sarili ko dahil alam kong nasa akin ang mali.

“I kept on lying to you.” I confessed. “I know I should be honest with you because you are my partner but I... couldnʼt say whatʼs on my mind.”

Sa tuwing binabalak kong magsabi, nawawala ako sa sarili. Nauubusan ako ng sasabihin kapag nasa harap ko na siya. Kung alam mo lang na sobra akong nahihirapan, hinihiling ko sana maintindihan mo.

“So when you said you love me, you were lying?” he clarified.

“I love you, truthfully.” I paused to breathe. Nagsimula na namang manginig ang buong katawan ko at mahirapang huminga. “That is the only truth Iʼve said to you, Andy... Iʼm so sorry.”

I was a big liar. Our relationship was full of lies, and he was the biggest lie Iʼve ever told.

I said ‘I love youʼ to him at the wrong perspective. I said it because we were in a relationship yet I shouldʼve said it in another perspective.

Whyʼs my body always like this? Lagi na lang ganito ang nararanasan ko. I was getting sick of the thought that I might pass out again. I donʼt want anyone seeing me get so weak in my knees.

“But now, itʼs enough.” I said. “Masasaktan lang tayo pareho kung ipagpapatuloy pa natin ʼto. Pero hindi ibig sabihin nʼon ay hindi kita minahal, Andy. Totoo ang pagmamahal ko sa ʼyo.” With that, he left without giving me a word.

Napaupo ako sa sahig na punong-puno ng pagsisisi. I really shouldnʼt have opened the door for him. I shouldʼve told him ‘I love youʼ, not as his girlfriend but as someone who holds him dearly, someone who was grateful for his existence and for his presence everytime I was going through something that makes me feel wrong and down. He was with me through my ups and downs and through my roller-coaster ride. I love him for that.