Dear Derek

Chapter 99 (Amelia)

"If you could be anything you want when you're all grown up what would it be?"

"Hmm that's a hard one. Maybe a doctor? Yeah a doctor."

Zola smiled at me and then turned right back to looking at her iPad. I stared at her. She was so innocent. The world hasn't hurt her yet. I wish I could feel like that again...I would trade anything for that feeling again. My thoughts were interrupted by the kettle going off. I walked over to the stove and turned it off. I grabbed a mug out of the cabinet. How ironic I picked the one that said "smile".

I placed a tea bag in my tea and waited a few minutes for it to steep. When it was done I stirred it a little and went over to the window.

The cold air froze the window over, which made it impossible to see. I used the sleeve of my sweater to wipe until I could see outside. Derek and Link were outside untangling lights. I laughed. Only our family would wait til the day before Christmas Eve to decorate.

+++
"So how has the breathing exercises we worked on going?"

"Okay." I replied.

"Amelia don't lie to me. This is what I'm here for. Tell me how you feel."

I looked at her. She began writing down things in her notebook. I scanned the room. It kind of resembled a home library. There was a huge bookshelf on one wall and the rest of the walls were painted a dark brown. I think the whole point was to use neutral colors to create a calm environment. I looked her in the eye and confessed. "I've had the urge to drink recently."

"You have?" she replied.

"Yes...and I'm ashamed." I let out a cry. "I just want to drink a fricken beer, but I cant."

"And why is that?"

"WHY? BECAUSE IM AN ALCOHOLIC AND I'VE BEEN SOBER FOR SO LONG IF I RELAPSE NOW WHAT WAS THE LAST HOW MANY YEARS FOR?"

She smiled. "What are you smiling at?" I yelled.

"You won't relapse." she said.

"How do you know that?" My smart ass, bitchy side was coming out.

"Amelia," she began, "Your aware of the bad things alcohol can do to you. You understand the dangers of relapsing. Plus, there is something keeping you going...stopping you from relapsing."

"Well duh, my family."

"Besides that."

I blushed. God she's going to find out. "What is it Amelia?"

My heart was now beating out of my chest. C'mon Amelia just say it...

"I'm bisexual."

She paused for a second and smiled. "How long have you been holding this in for?"

"Well I never really per say labeled myself...I have kissed girls before in college...then again I barely remember college. Anyways, the other day I saw this Instagram post of this person who was talking about their experience with find themselves and embracing this preference for both females and males. It then got me thinking...and here we are."

My therapist looked at me. I could see the pure happiness in her eyes. We sat together for a while in silence. "Okay Amelia...we now need to discuss how your going to tell your family if you're comfortable."

I nodded and we began brainstorming.

+++
I walked into the house and stomped my boots on the door mat. The snow was starting to fall hard outside. I walked through the first floor of the house and saw no one. I finally made my way to the play room and found Ellis and Bailey playing on the floor. When they saw me, they ran over and hugged me tight. "Auntie Amelia where were you?"

I unlatched from their hug and looked in her eyes. I brushed a stray piece of hair from her face. "I was just a doctors appointment sweetie."

"Are you okay?" Bailey asked, looking a little scared.

With six surgeons living in our house, discussing doctors could be a little scary. "Oh yea everything's fine, just a routine check up!"

They again hugged me and as they held onto me. A small tear escaped my eye. "We're so glad you're okay!" they both said.

I released from them and let them go back to playing. I got up and headed upstairs. I called out to Meredith and Derek but no response. I walked down the hallway and noticed the latch to the attic was open. I heard rustling up there. "Meredith? Derek?" I called out.

A small head popped out from the opening in the celing. It was Meredith. We'll be down in a minute." she smiled.

"Okay hurry. Dinner isn't going to make itself." I rolled my eyes. I knew exactly what they were up to up there.

+++
After dinner, I helped Maggie clean up in the kitchen. The kids had gone into the playroom to hang out. Derek made a pot of coffee and him, Winston, and Link sat on the couch watching T.V. As I was watching dishes, Maggie sensed something wrong. "Hey, I know we haven't really had time to catch up but are you okay?" she asked as she handed me a dish to dry.

I couldn't hold it in much longer. I confessed to Maggie. About the almost relapse and my sexuality issues. She turned the faucet off and put her hand on my shoulder. She looked right into my eyes and then hugged me tight. I let the tears fall down my face. I was saturating her shirt, but I didn't care. I needed Maggie's touch, my sister's physical touch. I needed someone the hug me and tell me I was going to be okay. And that's just what she did.

When she let go, she used the towel I was drying the dishes with to wipe every last tear. "I'm so sorry Maggie."

"Don't apologize. Did you tell Link already?" she asked, concerned.

"No. I mean who tells their boyfriend: Hey oh by the way i'm a fruit muffin!"

This made Maggie laugh. It made me laugh. I forgot what laughing was for awhile. Maggie grabbed my hand and smiled. "We're going to do this! And we'll do it together okay? If your conformable of course."

I nodded and smiled back. "I don't know what I would do without you Maggie, honest to god."

"I know." she chuckled.

+++
I sat all the adults around the table and told them everything. From the urge to drink to the fact I like dudes and dudetes.  Surprisingly everyone was pretty chill with it, even Link. There was a lot of hugging and sobbing, but it was okay. After we were done Zola came out from the playroom. She skipped right over to Derek. "Hey dad...you said you had a surprise for us earlier. Can we have it now?"

Everyone stared at each other with puzzled expressions. Derek looked at her and her siblings as they walked into the kitchen. "Sure let's go everyone!"

He got up from his seat and gestured for us to get up. Everyone rose and followed him outside to the front of the house. When we were all outside we turned around and tried to find Derek. "Derek? Derek? Where did he go?" Mer asked.

As soon as she asked the whole house lit up with lights. The kids gasped with pleasure. I think I did a little too. It truly was amazing. The lights illuminated off the pavement below it...or what was left of it. The snow was falling harder and harder. I wanted to live in this moment forever.

I closed my eyes and breathed. Then, out of nowhere something hit my face. I opened my eyes and looked around. Another handful of snow hit my face. "Alright who was that?" I demanded.

Everyone looked clueless. I scanned the whole yard and then it caught my eye. There were small movements from a bush. I grabbed a hand full of snow and tip toed slowly to the bush. I threw the snowball so hard I swear it covered Dereks whole face. He jumped from the bush and tried to throw another snowball at me, but I ducked. It hit Scout. He began to cry. Link put on his fake angry face and grabbed a bunch of snow. He was going to leave Derek no mercy. "Get over here Shepherd. No one messes with my kid."

He ran over to Derek and hit him with a snowball. This made Scout laugh, which made everyone else laugh. Ellis threw a snowball at Meredith which started a whole domino effect. Sure it looked weird a bunch of grown ass adults and their children were out throwing snowballs at like 11:00 at night, but for the first time in a while...I genuinely smiled.

| thanks for reading! hope u enjoyed! |

~ jules ;)