Swim Until You Love Me

Part X

Susannah's death hit like a million bricks.

We all knew it was coming, of course.

Since summer, I had gone up to Boston about as many times as I could handle. Near the end, it got harder and harder to see her. Mom started spending almost all her time there, but my visits became less and less frequent. I still saw her once a month though.

It had been just a week since the last visit when it happened.

I swore I could hear my heart break in two and plop to the ground.

*****

Conrad was right. He had said this would happen that evening in the kitchen, the day after the 4th. He had said he would fuck it up. He had.

Okay, so of course it wasn't that simple. At first, things seemed good between him and Belly. Great, even. They even went to Cousins for a night, in December. But as Susannah's health started getting worse, he got more and more closed off.

So he had a good reason, obviously. I just wished he would talk to Belly, not me. I hated getting stuck in the middle.

I was somewhat on his side, because I understood what he was going through. Susannah's cancer had hit all of us really hard. On top of that, they were doing long distance because Conrad was either at college or in Boston. The relationship was difficult, and the timing was off.

But when he dumped Belly on the day of her prom, I was pissed.

She had really been looking forward to the whole day. Why wouldn't she? It was her prom. But she really had to work to convince him to come. When he did come, he forgot her corsage, barely danced with her, and then broke it off. Ugh.

I didn't call him after. He needed to clean up his act. He didn't call me either. I really, really did hate getting stuck in the middle, and I had to make a choice. So I choose my sister. Just like I would every single time.

The next time I saw him was at Susannah's funeral.

It was a weird day. My mind went blank every time I thought about it. I don't remember what I did at all, other than just staring off in the distance. I actually don't think I did anything at all that day. Didn't talk to anyone but mom, didn't eat anything, didn't cry. I felt numb. It was too real for me.

Belly, however, was on the other end of the spectrum. She picked a fight with Conrad over the girl he had brought to the funeral. She told him she hated him, and that she never wanted to see him again, which was pretty brutal. I knew she regretted it though.

They hadn't talked since. I hadn't talked to him either, bar a few happy birthday messages.

*****

My first birthday without Susannah. She wasn't usually a big presence on my birthday, not like she was for Belly's, but it still weighed on my mind.

My birthday was in March- so it was always spring. The Fishers would always call and send gifts. I would cut my cake and have lunch with my family. In the evening, my friends and I usually partied.

This year round, I didn't really feel like a huge party. So I just invited Katie and Dean, my best friends, for lunch with my family. Shayla and Ketanji said they might drop by, which I was looking forward to. Steven won't be there though, because he was at college.

It was shaping up to be a great day so far. Mom seemed actually happy, which was rare since Susannah had passed. She had sort of withdrawn into herself. I found myself taking care of a lot of things around the house.