Fame

Chapter 1

I'm not sure where to start. It's blurry looking back. Everything happened really fast, from the moment I got that email for an audition, until now; I never wanted to be famous. Everything I post is scrutinized, every picture torn apart, fake stories every other month, being followed, paparazzi showing up without being called, and worst of all, not knowing who was a true friend, and who was in it for the publicity. 

It's taken me a while to sit down and really reflect on it all. One moment I'm 100k deep in student debt, commuting to three different part time jobs, living in a studio in the middle of Brooklyn, and the next I'm flying from interview to promotion to premier to award show, meeting with directors about roles, watching every move of mine on social media, and being bombarded with strangers asking me for pictures like they know me. Not to mention debt free. The millennial dream.

I wish this was a story of someone who longed to be famous, achieved their dream, and lived the rest of their days out in luxury. The truth is I always wanted to give acting a shot, and I always dreamt of paying off my debt and getting my parents a house, but I never wanted to be famous. I understood that in order to succeed as an actor insofar as you get enough money to live comfortably, you'd have to sacrifice this anonymity. But I didn't realize the depth of it; I didn't think fame would be akin to a toxic relationship, where my entire sense of self and autonomy would be up for grabs, compromised, threatened, and even relinquished for the name of my craft and career.

I suppose had I been more careful about who was around me and who managed my career, it wouldn't have been as bad. But I wasn't; I fell into the age-old trap of manipulation and managed to make a deal with a man who didn't care about my well being, and was even willing to sacrifice it in order to make money.

It hasn't been all bad; and I suppose it's just beginning. But looking back is fuzzy. I'll try.
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I was sitting at an adorned, white tablecloth dinner table riddled with food and wine. Surrounding it were dozens of the most famous faces in film, people I grew up watching, and never imagined I'd see in person, let alone talk to. The first movie I ever starred in had just premiered at the Cannes film festival in France. It was also my first time in France. The night started off like the first day of school; I was dressed in my best garb, standing outside the venue smoking an e-cigarette and breathing heavily as I gazed at every star that walked through the doors beside me. I made eye contact with some, some thought I was valet (dressed in emerald green satin). I distinctly remember locking eyes with Bobby Cannavale, which sent a wave of shock through my system since I'd seen the Scorsese show he was in on HBO about seven times. I wondered why that happened as I stood there. I felt invisible, but I liked it, because my nerves were on fire and I had no idea what to do or who to be or what to say or who to stand with. The cast hadn't come yet, otherwise I'd be with them, nor had the director. I had a bad habit of arriving to places early, something I was told never to do in Hollywood. The nicotine calmed my nerves, a habit I had picked up during filming.
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We spent a year and a half filming this movie; the director was respectable and known, but hadn't won any awards at the time. Everyone knew his proclivity for filming on real film, which meant that the process took extra long, and was extra tedious, so as not to be left with no unusable footage. Post production wasn't as open to mediation as digital films with mostly green-screen were; here, you had to capture the moment in the moment, and hope to GOD no one fucked up. It was high-strung but I liked it since it felt more real. He also liked to film in chronological order as much as possible, so as to allow us to progress in our characters properly. I was only in the last half in a few scenes, but I made it a point to be there almost every day there was filming. I wanted to see how it was done, have an idea of what it was going to be like when I was in front of the camera. I also wanted to look good; after all I was a lowly civilian, in my first role that I only got because I realized I still had a backstage.com account from middle school.