All To Myself

Dear B

I... liked her?

I had met her in another country when I was nine and she was eight, we happened to be hotel room neighbors. Our families happened to be on the same trip at the same hotel with the same aged children. We met when we went swimming in the pools provided at the hotel and we happened to be walking in the same direction up the same set of stairs, and until she entered the room next to mine, I genuinely thought she was following me. We soon met each other and became somewhat of friends, then our families met and low and behold we happened to live in the same state. Our mothers exchanged contact information and because she was divorced my dad just stayed in the room after meeting her mom. When we left to go back home there was no emotion with me, the only thing that truly came out of this "friendship" was that my mother and her mother became friends. They really hit it off so they continued to talk and hang out and my mother soon added her to her friend group. From that trip on we began going at the same time to give all of the friend group time to really hang out and talk without worry. We continued to be neighbors every single year. She had always been short and took a liking to the male selection of clothes while I liked the male selection of clothes too, I still wore "girly" clothes. When we were about twelve I disliked hanging out with her, I just lost all interest in her. I hung out with another girl, she was the daughter of one of my mom's other friends and she was about one year older than me. She is girl 1. My family didn't go on the trip when I was thirteen, but when I was fourteen we were back on track with going. This time she had brought her cousins, and me and one of her cousins really hit it off and we were temporary best friends for the trip. She is girl 2. By that point in time I had known I was bisexual with a preference for females, but still no interest. When the time came for our next trip I was fifteen , and my mother and her friends had decided to make it the longest trip and make it a week long. I was still friends with girl 2 for this trip, for mostly about the first three or four days. My brother, who is older than me, brought his childhood best friend each year and so they were being rowdy one night so I decided to leave the room. It was pretty dark out so I decided to go to girl 1's room, but ended up deciding against it when I saw my mom sitting outside of her room with the group. I ended up feeling pretty embarrassed that I had just walked out and was going to hang out with my friend and ended up not going so I would have to walk back right after I walked out, so I just decided to walk all the way to her room. We hadn't talked in a few years so it was a little awkward, but being the older one I had to be somewhat initiative with the attitude of "We just talked yesterday and we are friends". I walked into her condo and her, her brother, and the little sister of girl 2 who will be named girl 3 were sitting in the living area watching a show and I just joined. Honestly I had a lot of fun that night and for the next three or four days we all hung out. One night we decided to go to the beach while our parents were at girl 1's condo. Me and her laid down on the sand not too far from the ocean while girl 3 and her brother sat at the beach chairs closer to the hotels. That night we just started talking and were pretty much confessing everything everyone that went on the trip always had the though that we was lesbian or was transgender, and they were right she told me she was lesbian after I asked. She continued to ask me and I laughed and said I was bi and almost made the joke of some janky shit like "yea bi-myself" but thank the lordy I didn't. She laughed and said she had always thought I was straight, and I ended laughing and saying yea I really give off straight energy. I even made a slight lie of telling her she is like the only person who knows, even though my best friends knows my old friend group knows, girl 2 knows, and my gay neighbor friend knows. I don't really regret telling her that though. We just continued to talk and whatever until we got to the point where she asked me what my type was and I was honest, it was the girls that gave off she/they like the girls you could clearly are fruity or girls that dont show it at all, she ended up asking me is she fell into the category/my type and I sat up because at that point I had been laying down on her shoulder and I looked at her and said yea! I guess. She said it was interesting and that was pretty much the end of the conversation because it was time to go back because it was pretty late and we had to go back to the condo. I suggested maybe spending the night because I didn't want to be around my brother and his friend. She and her brother were like yea we have space. My mother ended up saying no to the sleepover, but I still stayed late. We all stayed up watching a movie and we did the same thing we did on the beach until I had to go back to my place. We didn't exactly have any feelings towards each other, but rather tension? Maybe it was just me. What a joke. For the next couple days I would come over everyday and just lounge around, everyday the same thing, "cuddling". By the end of the trip it was the same thing, we don't really keep in touch because the friendship is more of a "I am only friends with you when I am with you" type shit. I went back home along with my family, and in general thought about the trip, I kind of missed her but not really I think I just miss the friends and the beach and pools. I don't blame myself, but I mean I still haven't figured myself out so why am I contemplating this? Did I like her or not? My first interest my ass, I was just straight up figuring shit out and it frustrated me.

I ... I needed to accept myself before I could actually think about this.