Boulevard to Polaris (Virago Series #1)

desist to exist

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CHAPTER TEN
desist to exist
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I can't count how many times my gut instinct screamed that there's something wrong with Gazer ever since we went home from Boracay.

Para kasing naging matahimikin siya bigla, lagi rin siya may excuse sa tuwinang aayain ko siyang kumain sa labas tapos lagi rin niyang iniiwasan na mapahaba ang usapan naming dalawa. Ano kayang problema?

"Gazer, are you okay?" I asked him after finishing on my papers.

As usual, nandoon lang siya sa harap ng mesa ko at nakatulala, parang ang lalim ng iniisip niya at alam kong hindi ko siya dapat istorbohin pero kahit kasi ako naiistorbo na sa katahimikan niya. It's just unusual not seeing him smile at least for once or converse longer than how he used to.

Napatingin siya sa'kin, ilang beses pa siyang napakurap na parang kakagising niya lang sa mahabang tulog bago siya ngumiti at tumango. Pero kahit gano'n ang sagot niya ay nababahala pa rin ako, halata naman kasing pilit 'yung ngiti niya at halata ring may pinoproblema siya.

But the usual Gazer wants no one to bother about his problems. I know that character of his too well and that's also one of his traits na talagang kinaiinisan ko.

"I have no other appointments after this, and like I promised now that I remember it, we should go visit your brother." I smiled at him as I was fetching my bag, fixed my table, and was about gesture him to leave nang tumayo siya at hinarangan ang daanan palabas.

Taka ko siyang tinignan, lalo na 'yung ekspresyon niyang parang nag-aalinlangan, "Is there any problem?"

He shrugged at my question, but it looked more like he's convincing himself more than answering me. At kahit na sobra-sobra na ang pagtataka ko sa inaakto niya ay pumameywang na lang ako at napabuntong-hininga.

"Look, if you have a problem, I'm here. Just tell me because I'm honestly getting bothered by the way you're suddenly all silent kahit na sinasabi mong wala namang problema." I told him, siya ring pagtingin niya sa'kin pero agad din siyang umiwas ng tingin. Okay, I get it now. He doesn't want to tell me what it is.

"Your words always seem to differ from your actions." I added, making him scratch his head.

And like I always expected, nag-bow nanaman siya at nag-sorry pero other than those gestures ay tuluyan na siyang nanahimik. Pero papayag ba kong manahimik na lang siya? Syempre hindi kasi for some reason, alam kong may tinatago sa'kin ang mokong.

"I'll fire you if you won't tell me." Taas-noo kong banta at agaran namang nanlaki ang mata niya dahil do'n.

Mabilis ko lang nakita na natakot siya at nag-aalinlangan pa ring sabihin pero kapagkuwan ay malakas siyang bumuntong-hininga, 'yung tipo ng buntong-hininga na parang kailangan niyang sabihin kahit ayaw niya. At kahit nakokonsensya ako sa banta ko ay hindi ko 'yun ininda because again, I need him to tell me what's his problem.

"Iyong kapatid ko po kasi," Napakurap-kurap siya, napabuntong-hininga, at pinaglaruan ang kamay niya na parang pinipigilan niyang umiyak sa harap ko. Nagtagpo naman ang kilay ko dahil do'n.

"What about your sibling?" I asked him, clutching my purse just incase that I need to give him a double wage today. As far as I remember, he has a sick brother that I promise I'll visit but hindi ko naman natupad kasi sobrang busy ko these past few days.

"Wala po kasing donor ng bone marrow na lumalapit sa doktor namin kahit todo kayod po mga magulang ko. Wala rin kaming pambayad at kapag hindi po siya maagapan agad, pwede pong mawala k-kapatid ko." Gazer hiccupped and bowed his head, hiding his tears away from me which was also futile to do so kasi nagtaas-baba na talaga ang dalawa niyang balikat habang pinipigilan niyang umiyak.