The seven deadly sins - Envy

Envy

ENVY - Ever since I was a little kid I was a girly girl, there's no helping that and I can deny it, that I ever wanted to be a girl, any pronouns I want will never change who I was.

At this time I was aged 7-8, this was when I still lived in that little apartment, I went to the country side public school, it had a stupid name with an unoriginal horse as the mascot. The kids all fit into one group and there was no room for uniqueness, so I always managed to be a huge target for shooting practice, for them it was great, but constant bullzie! Wasn't any easier for me to live with. I had longer blond messy hair, the same dull blue eyes, and a small skeleton with a double sized flesh coat, bigger kid yes, and I'm still trying to live it down, I've probably heart the adjective 'fat' used to describe me more then I've heard people address me by actual my name. Never the less, 7ish year old kids don't understand body size, and they shouldn't have to, maybe I did know I wasn't as pretty as the other girls, but I still had a good amount of hope and self esteem- but don't worry, it didn't last long.

My dad had to be at work for six am -or something like that- that is obviously earlier then when school began, because I was brought to a public baby sitters every morning, where a bus would scoop up all the kids when school was ready to teach. This was just a persons house with the lower floor reserved for the dirty feet of ignorant kids. This persons house was 'Katie's' house, her name was probably Kathy, but we all called her Katie, that's what she was locally known as, as well. We all lived in the sort of town where you'd visit the laundry at -the sign would be worn to only 'at' of mat- and while you washed your grass stained jeans you could rip a little slip of paper from the buliton bored and take it home, the number would lead to a sweet country woman's voice and you'd have a new face to see in the grocery store and a house to leave your kid at for a few hours.

It was perfectly like that, Katie even donated off a room to put cheep kids toys in so she could spend less time with them.

Better yet Katie had her own little brat, she was well fed and definitely spoiled, Katie would chose the best times to lather her chubby little bundle of joy with toys and sweets. This was usually around when the other kids could watch, seeing all the things handed to her child when it was obvious they wouldn't receive such fabulous gifts, but really what could they do? There was this man, dirtier then his little girl, he happily gave Katie permission to hit his daughter if she were to misbehave. Gladly she fulfilled his request.

I remember her, messy hair too, nobody really put effort into grooming her, her clothes were natty, hugged onto her small figure a penny barely spent on any peice of clothing she ever wore, but over all she was a pretty sweet kid, but nobody really saw beyond her looks.

Her and I were one of many kids nobody really favored, there were younger kids, maybe 2-5 year olds and older kids 9-13, all of which were more popular then I will ever be, they loved to make jokes and come up with cute nicknames for everyone, my favorite by far is 'ugly' I'd heard that one a lot too.

Regardless of all of the disbelievers there was one very specific, thick brown hair, pretty freckly face, soft fair skin and she was older then me. I wanted to be like her, tons of friends, good grades, a normal life. I Envied her. Though she herself had no care for me, and she would blur her footsteps so I could not follow, she didn't want me to be near, she always wanted me to trip, and stay down.

When my confidence was finally ruined she was the one who broke it.

We were outside, for 'recess' so I had mounted the jungle gym, playing like any kid would, the group of all the misfits from Katie's joined me, we were never friends, I just happened to be around when the gang meet up. Again I have no idea where this conversation began, but it did.

We started talking about what jobs we all wanted to have as adults, I'm sure someone said a 'doctor' there was probably a 'singer', maybe a 'writer' whatever they chose I agreed with, I had no reason to disagree, that wasn't my decision. When my turn came to share I said what I wanted to have has a profession.

A model.

I was a seven year old little 'girl' who wanted to wear gorgeous clothes and flaunt myself to tons of plashing cameras, for heavens sake I couldn't even have that. The brunette from before marched herself over to me and looked me in my seven year old face, and told me 'gently': "you don't have the body for it" out of every large mass in the entire world she needed to discourage a child, she introduced self hate to me, and signed my life contact for it.

I no longer envy to be her. I envy to be something that will break her, something she could never become, so she, will envy me.