A Truly Random Essay

Does not this feel weird? To be able to talk to someone at 3am in the night one day and the next day you don't know how to start the conversation. Because things just changed. Because that person changed. Because he is no longer the one he used to be..The one with whom you in fell in love with. Or maybe he never actually was what you thought him to be. Maybe he just pretended to love you. Maybe you were the stupid one to think that he could ever fall in love with you. You thought you meant the world to him when he used to talk about almost everything with you. When he used to ask everyday how you are, what you are doing, how the day went and all. You thought he actually cared. Did you ever think that you were never his priority? He never kept you at the first place. You were always in the second position in his life. How could you be so blind to all these and think that he actually loved you? How could you be so stupid? How could you be so careless to ignore the fact that was always in front of your eyes but choose to assume the fake things to be the key to your happiness? Why did you even fall in love with him? Knowing that you can never be with that special person why did you even make him your world? Why did you give him so much importance in your life when you knew that all you would get in return was just ignorance!

Actually it's not really your fault. You did not even realize when you started to feel for him. You did not realize when the liking transformed to loving. You did not realize when your crush became the love of your life. You did not realize any single of these. You could not differentiate his pretence from his actual behavior. You thought the fake him to be the real him. Because after all, he just acted so well! He never let you understand even for a moment that it was truly fake. His acting was so well that you forgot all the truth and started loving him. And you had no idea that this love would grow so deep that it will almost be impossible for you to forget him. So it's not your fault.

It's not his fault either. He never thought that you would start to love him out of blue. That was not what he expected. And when he could understand how you felt about him he did try to remove himself from your life, from this equation. He always wanted you to forget him. Because he knew that you are just not the one. Remember how many times he tried to cut all the ties between you and him? Remember how he started to ignore you all of a sudden, leaving you all surprised and shocked? Remember how rudely he used to reply to your messages? He did all these for you. He never wanted you in his life. Not in the way you want to be in his life at least. So he tried all the possible ways to distance himself from you. But he never knew that you would be so in love with him that it will be almost impossible for him to get rid of you, no matter how hard he tried.

Basically the situation was to be blamed. Either of you didn't know that things would turn out to be this way. Come on. You yourself knew that you could not fall in love with him. It was just not going to happen. But things did change right? You knew from the very beginning that the end of loving him would be just another heartbreak for you. But still you couldn't resist yourself from loving him.

Isn't this just sad that you cannot forget him despite all the heartaches he had been giving you? Despite the uncountable number of times he broke your heart? Despite the several moments where he acted as a stranger? Because you cannot just get the image out of your mind where he acted to be so caring. You are still in love with the fake him. The one that does not exist at all. Even after knowing that you are not important to him at all, that you are not his priority, that he will choose any other thing over you, that he is the one who breaks your heart every time, you still keep loving him. Why are you doing this to yourself again and again? Why are you hurting yourself? There is no hope in this relation. There never was. Then why do you feel like he will start to love you some day? That he will stop breaking your heart and instead start taking up the broken pieces of your heart? Why do you feel like that? Why is your heart so fragile that you cannot stop loving him? Why can't you control your heart to not love him? Even after understanding that you mean nothing to him, nothing at all, why do you still want to talk to him? Why do you still care about him? Why do you still think about him? Why do you still see him in your dreams? Why do you still remember him? Why do you still reminisce those old moments which are now nothing but just memories? Why did you feel elated getting fake compliments from him? At that time, if you controlled your heart then you would not have had to suffer from another heartbreak. Why don't you just move on? Where in the world are you?!

Funny isn't it? The one who is able to give you immense happiness is also the one who can give you a world full of darkness. The one who breaks your heart is also the one who fixes it. The one who now ignores you used to be the one who cared for you. The one who does not reply to your messages is also the one who used to call you every night and talk for hours over the phone. Isn't this whole thing damn funny that only one person can arouse two totally different feelings in you? Shouldn't this be contradictory? Well this is what happens when one falls in love. They start to contradict themselves. And this is what happened to you as well. But know one thing, one bitter truth. And that is, one sided love and one sided expectations not only bring disappointment but they also hurt you to hell. They are so powerful that they can break your heart into pieces, which of course; you experienced a number of times.

You know you should move on. Because suffering like this will be of no use. But what do you do when you don't want to move on? When you want to cling on to the past that brought you immense happiness, despite knowing that you will only be hurt remembering those memories? How can you start to move on when you don't even want to try it? More importantly, why don't you want to move on? You are still able to forgive him for what he did to you. Why? He doesn't deserve your forgiveness. Someone who doesn't want to spend his time with you.. who doesn't prioritize you over anything else is just not worthy of your forgiveness. You know he is never going to love you. And still you hope that things might change. So please, move on before the darkness engulfs you fully. It's a request. And it's for your betterment. The sooner you realize the better it is.