RECIPROCITY - Temet Nosce

Chapter 1

Bella

There had been a time when Bella had stood - unmoving, unblinking - in front of her mirror, trying to imagine what she'd look like as a vampire. She'd held her own gaze, imagining the warm brown of her eyes shift into a striking red against the pale white of her skin, the light reflecting off of it in rainbow prisms. There had been a time when the vainest, most shallow part of her had looked forward to being as beautiful as Alice and Rosalie - so beautiful that she might finally stand next to Edward and not feel out of place. Like she got involved with him by accident.

What had followed after were months of avoiding any and all mirrors, now that Edward had left and taken with him her chance at a different life. She's standing in front of her mirror now, looking - really looking for the first time in ages.

Whenever she meets her own apathetic gaze in the mirror she feels like she is rotting, falling apart right in front of her eyes. With every second that trickles by she can feel time catching up with her - like she's spoiling from the inside out; A crawling sensation just beneath her skin that has her gasping and quickly facing away. Bella feels like she's dying, slowly fading away until there's nothing left of the girl she used to be. Nothing but an empty husk. To stare into her own eyes is akin to staring into the abyss, a black pit with dark circles framing it, pulling her in; accompanied by timid thoughts of shouldn't there be something here? A sign of life, of recognition- Shouldn't there be something here? Someone?

She hasn't been sleeping right in months, waking up screaming every night. Waking up Charlie, too. Scaring him. Scaring Renée. But Bella is helpless to stop them from worrying, constantly switching between crying out for help, pushing them away and lashing out at them. Bella knows what she wants, what she needs; she has always known, but now that it's completely out of reach she doesn't know what else to reach out for - what else to grab and cling to, to settle for.

The Cullens had mourned their loss of humanity, had told her eventually she would, too. But then, none of them had been given a choice - unlike her, who had known exactly what she wanted the second she realized that vampires existed. Not that anyone had particularly cared what she wanted. Instead they'd projected their own wants onto her; acting like having a husband and children was what she would inevitably end up wanting. She simply didn't know it yet. But that had never been her to begin with - she'd never so much as mentioned children while she was with Edward, and had made her feelings on marriage quite clear.

What the hell do they expect her to do now, anyway? Try and forget that there was a whole other world out there, just out of reach? To have a husband and children, knowing that she gave up immortality and the notion of a literal soulmate? No, that's not a lot of pressure to put on your family at all, she thinks bitterly, looking around her room, trying to suppress the need to break something.

Bella feels a tight black ball of hate forming deep within her at the notion of having a mediocre little family, an average life. It's as real as cancer, a tumor corrupting her, pumping vile acid through her veins, eating away at her. She imagines that if someone were to take a knife to her stomach right now and cut her open it would fall out with the rest of her organs, inky black in color. All her anger, all her hatred and despair concentrated into a solid form, there on the ground - and she'd stomp on it, crushing it, watching it seep through the spaces between her toes. Perhaps then she'd feel better.

She shakes herself, pushing aside the thought of the inky black liquid squelching beneath her bare feet.

Bella had tried - every now and then - to imagine a normal, human future for herself; the kind Edward would want her to have: coming home to a family, watching it grow until eventually, she dies. But nothing she or they could ever do would be good enough to replace what she had given up. An immortal life in a capable body, an epic love with her soulmate - someone she would never tire of.