Didn't Matter

1

It began on my third year of middle school. I
had a little crush on you. You were fun to be around, and your hair were super soft. I always liked messing up your hairstyle. I think you liked me a little bit back then.
It didn't last long though. When my fourth year of middle school came, it was completely over. It was a little crush that didn't matter.

Nevertheless, when we did our little « after graduation party » at my friend's house one year later, it was something else. We played truth or dare and our friendship was here again. We really became closer that summer, and I Love it. At that time, I saw you as a potential lover, or a very good friend. To be honest, I didn't really care, I liked you, and I treasured that feeling.

Now, we're in high school, you are in my class, and I don't know how, but you seduced me. I guess I've always had a little thing for you.

I feel like you don't know what to think about me. You seem confused, but you're still ignoring me. And yet, you are talking to Emma like she is your friend or something. You make me cry. A lot. I can't seem to stop. I want you to hug me, tell me that everything will be alright, that you see me the same way I see you.

But you're ignoring me. It's so awkward between us. I want everything to be the same as before. I hate myself for putting that on you. It's not your fault, it's mine, but I can't seem to stop liking you.

I cried for two hours straight. It was painful, but useful. I feel a little bit better. I'm currently with Marine and she makes me smile. But I still think about you, and your hair, and your laugh, and your eyes. You have so many good qualities, it's too much for my heart sometimes. You're just so cool. I like that about you. You're kind too. And good looking. And funny. But I won't see you anymore. I can't believe that the last interaction we had, even if we're supposed to be friends, was you mocking me. You're a jerk, and you make me angry. A lot.

You're very dense. I always drop some hints about my feelings for you, but you don't seem to see them. Or maybe you do. It's hard.

Sometimes, you're too much. I just want to be alone, but you're always there. You're overwhelming me with too many feelings at once. So I'm rude to you. And you take it to heart. And you ignore me. And I feel guilty because you're cold with me.

I put myself in this situation. I always do this. Liking someone to the point I finally hate them. You're supposed to be my friend, I'm supposed to like spending time with you, laughing with you... However, it's quite the opposite. I'm awkward around you. Everything you do hurts. You're not aware of it of course.
Lisa ships us. It just makes it more and more painful.
I'm scared. About rejection. About the fact that you might not like me back.
Honestly I don't think you do. At least not like that. It's okay. I just hope I can get over it.
Who would have thought ? That you would be one of my biggest heartbreak. I hate it.
I know I should stop thinking about you, but it's complicated.

I cannot blame you. Like I said before, I put myself in this situation. But it hurts, it hurts so bad. I feel like my heart is ripping apart every time I think about it. And I have no tears left to express it. Just a heart of steel trying to break it's own shield. I thought it would have be fun, that it would have healed my heart, even a little bit. Guess I was wrong.

You don't give a shit about me anyway.