Unmasked

Grief

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The 5 stages of Grief everyone is used to after a loss. I guess I could argue and say i'm in two stages right now. Depression and acceptance.

When you think about people who are alive, you don't really know when they will take their last breath. All you have is the years and then they pass on. Some only have 16 years, some have 100. Next thing you know people who talk behind their back is at their funeral, "crying", wanting attention. Cheerleaders.

My best friend Summer was only a cheerleader for a year. The cheerleaders made fun of every move she made. Summer was actually beautiful. I always wanted to look like her.

"Summer you are seriously going to have to get skinner" Says Amy.

Amy is the Cheer captain, the "starter" of the whole squad. Anyone that actually enjoys hanging out with Amy has to be paid for it. There is no way people enjoy their day with Amy. All throughout Middle and High School Amy was a bully to Summer. The only reason why Summer let it happen was because Amy was threatening her.

The day after she died I went to school. I wasn't greeted with a hug or a "How are you", instead I just got talked about. You could see the faces and seeing people looking like they have just saw a ghost when they saw me. They had posters up of her already. I immediately took them down. Why should a school who talked and was ashamed of her have posters up?  Apparently when you take stuff off of the school you get sent to the office
"Lana you do know what you did was against school rules?" Asked Principal Thomas.
Principal Thomas is a skinny, white dude who wears fancy suits everyday just to discipline children. He's married and has two children. One boy. One girl. What a fairytale, or at least that's what the picture on his desk shows.
I immediately respond back.
"It's also against school rules to be an asshole to other kids but you still let it go on"
"Lana. Please take a breather. We can settle this together. We put the poster up in remembrance of Summer, that's what she would've wanted." says Thomas
"Really? This is what she wanted? This school has done nothing but be a pain in the ass to her. She stayed after school for extra credit and still had all C's through F's. She had ONE friend here and that is me! And now guess what. My friend is gone. Everyday I have to walk these hallways and go to school getting looked at now. No one in this school cares about each other. If you aren't popular, skinny, and pretty you don't matter."
And then after that I walked out. I left the building and walked home. 7 Mile walk. It felt like a 10 minute walk. I couldn't feel anything. I felt numb. Part of me felt that I would pass out walking home.

When I got home my mom noticed. My mom actually noticed something for once. She wasn't mad. She gave me a hug and said " I'm proud of you." Even if she didn't mean it, it still felt nice to hear. My mom isn't much of a talker and if she is it's about bills, guys, or money. My moms name is Cassie. She's an alcoholic so if you see her she has a drink in her hand. My dad has another family on the line and just left me and my mom pretty much stranded. I don't mind most of it. Going on fancy vacations, living in a big fancy house, with a expensive dog sounds tiring. I would take care of my mother any day. Me and my mom have always lived together. Always.

The school didn't suspended me, they actually didn't do anything to me. They gave me a week vacation and apologized. The week felt nice.

During the week only one person had texted me. Blake.
"Hey Lana, Hope everything is well and you feel better by next year!"
Next year. The project. When I say this school is shit, I mean it. I simply responded with
"Oh No Blake! I may not be! Have fun." Respectfully I wanted to punch that text message. Who sends that?

After my week was over school went the same as it always was. Principal Thomas didn't even speak to me, but someone else did.
"Lana Madden, is that correct?"
"Yes ma'am" I say
" I am a Mental Health Counselor and I just would like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind."
In my head all I could think was that I mind and I want this lady to get away from me. But what came out was:
"Sure."
"Do you smoke, drink, or vape?" Was the first question she asked
"No" I say
"How are you feeling?"
"Ok"
"Can you explain what that means for me Lana?"
I'm miserable. I want to dissolve and never come back. I hate myself. I don't understand how i'm feeling it all just comes out.
"It means i'm doing good" I said.
"Are you sure Lana? Your best friend just died. We don't expect you to just overcome it so fast. And I heard about your little incident at school."
"How much will this be?" I asked
"Lana I don't think that's appropriate to as-"
"Listen, I understand you're trying to help me but it won't work. I have no idea who you are, what your name is, or what you're doing with this information. Yes my best friend died. Yes i'm so fucking depressed. But absolutely nothing will make up for the fact that the accident happened and she is gone. She will never come back and I will never be full again."
"I understand Lana and I completely apologize." She says.
"Thank you."
I walk out the door with no regrets. The accident happened. It was the most tragic and traumatizing death. Not only because she was my best friend but because of the way it happened.

Death is real and it happens. We don't know when or where but one day your whole life will change forever.