It's hurts to think about. The worst feeling. Feeling everything at once while feeling totally and completely numb. The inability to cry. The shakiness. The rapid heart beat. Feeling like you'd rather get swallowed up than exist in this world.
The worst feeling. Your body is so heavy you can't even get out of bed. Staying up all hours of the night and sleeping through the day. Emotionally drained turns into physically drained. Not eating. Not talking. Barely even breathing anymore.
The worst feeling. Uselessness. Feeling like nothing you do will ever be good enough. Nothing you say will make people like you. Trying to be funny so you fit in. Being the therapy friend to feel some sense of purpose.
The worst feeling. Hurting all the time. Being able to feel the pain digging into your chest, into your heart like a knife. Feeling like nothing will ever get better. Not wanting to burden anyone with your feelings but praying someone notices that you aren't okay. Just one person.
The. Worst. Feeling. The bags under your eyes getting heavier. Not being able to cover up the dark circles, the scars, the evidence of your pain. Having to say "I'm fine" when in actual fact it feels like you're dying a slow painful death. Feeling your heart slowly beating against your ribs.
The. Worst. Feeling. Having no tears left, just staring into space not being able to let out your pain, your anger, just sighing and excepting it. Staring at the ceiling with absolutely no sense of purpose or willingness to go on. Just, staring.
Feeling is the worst. Makes you think about things you don't want to. Sometimes think too much, sometimes you don't think at all and sometimes you think every thought all at once. Processing things you buried deep down. Having to think about things that hurt you more than you could ever describe to anyone.
This feeling is the worst. Having trauma. Past experiences. Reliving them. Every. Damn. Day. Flashbacks. Nightmares. But the worst part. No one knows. No matter how long ago it was. It haunts you. Hangs over your head like a bad smell, but only you can smell it. Wanting to forget about it but it being super glued into your brain. Not being able to tell a soul about it out of fear.
Feeling stuck is the worst. Like you're not going anywhere. Like you're stuck feeling like this. Stuck doing this. Stuck doing nothing forever. You're not moving forward or backwards just stuck. Stuck with who you are and what you've become. Having everything move around you and you're just. Stuck.
That feeling when finally it all comes out. All the feelings, all the tears, all the pain comes washing out. You sit and cry into a blanket or a teddy or a pillow because you don't want anyone to hear your loud sobs. Crying till your eyes are red and puffy, your throat hurts and you're dehydrated.
Feeling it all over again will always be the worst pain. When you feel everything hit, all. Over. Again. When you fought so hard to get out of the hole, but you fall back down again. Hitting the bottom, crying out for help once, twice, three times. Nothing. And then giving up. Praying you find the energy to climb another day.
