The pain of my feelings is like the wave that sinks me. Does not kill, but causes pain worse than death. Life has never been easy for me, fate has been preparing another way.
The two-year-old boy did not understand what his grandmother had drunk and mocked him and his mother, but he loved her because she was still his grandmother. He was sent to the kindergarten every day because his parents did not have time. At four, a small boy moved to a new big house. His hair was always sticking up, and he looked funny. He had two cousins, the other grandmother and baptized, he loved them very much. And they loved him for his purity and kindness. The boy always saw a skeleton in the mirror, and everyone told him, "Eat more." But the boy did not understand it, did not want to eat.
He believed in God from childhood and prayed to him constantly. But God never answered him.
The boy went to another garden, and the child's anger awaited him there. He was beaten by another boy with the same name as him. But nothing and no one did, everyone was the same. With the bruises the boy came home and hid them.
At six, the boy went to school, there were many children. He did not know how to find a common language. Yet he found friends, "freaks." As good as he is. He came home and was always empty, his parents only at work. Cleaning, books and songs occupied it. He studied as he could, but it did not work out as he wished. Wasn't he was the best in class.
But no matter what Frick he was, he had a heart. He constantly shared his food with everyone equally, though he never had anything left, helped selflessly. But no one shared with him, but the boy did not pay attention to it. For the first time in seven years, he flew to Egypt, he saw people torment and regretted them. He asked his parents to give them money. Then he saw marine animals tormented on land, wanted to help them, but death had come after them. The boy did not understand why the other boy dropped him from the hill. The boy cried, because he could not walk normally with his leg, limped.
Returning the boy to class the second went, the same children were there. They bullied the boy because he was different and did not understand it yet. He lived in hell day after day, and his friends were also bullied. He hid his bruises under his clothes.
And also the third class flew by, and the boy was already in the fourth. Valentine's day has come, the boy gave two gifts to the girls and another boy. But they started yelling at the boy, because only the girls would give the boys presents and the boys were girls. By the end of Valentine's day everyone had gifts and valentines except the boy. He was different and strange. Why should someone love him?
The boy began to understand his otherness. The relatives said that boys could not love boys. Different bad words spoke. And the boy himself sat and did not understand what the difference is, who to love. The boy told his mother, but she did not accept it. She beat him and called the freak sick.
The boy began to think how to get rid of it. I searched the Internet, read the books, and there was no answer. The boy's mother checked that he suddenly did not become gay. The boy pretended to be "normal".
At eleven, the boy accepted that he would not change himself, because he could not escape from the essence of his own. The boy went to English courses and first fell in love. His love was crying and strong. He ignored his misfortunes. But for a long time there was happiness. Two men raped the boy at night and wanted to kill him, but he managed to escape until they were distracted.
The boy broke: his body and soul broke. The world turned over and everything was not right. The broken cup can be assembled, but it will already lose its appearance. The boy did not speak to anyone, and he could not. This theme was forbidden, like everyone else. He did not sleep at night because he was afraid of seeing these memories again. His body seemed to die with him, something was wrong. The boy went to the doctor, and said nothing about what was. Healed the boy physically, but the mental pain remained.
Kindness disappeared into the boy, he was beaten and further bullied. He hid it somewhere in his heart so that no one could see. The boy found a new friend, "cool". They were not friends for a long time, the boy could not stand it and told about his love. The boy heard the same words that his mother told him.
Gossip across his town walked about him. The months of hunting for a boy began for being different.
They threatened, beat and tried to kill, but the boy was able to run well. He has learned to escape since childhood. The boy was crying from evening to morning because he was different.
He found a boy for himself a friend, the same from the garden with the same name. They became friends, and friendship in love passed. The boy loved him very much, but that boy - no. He used the boy and then left him.
The boy's heart broke, he cried and had no one to share with the pain.
The boy was called fat, he looked in the mirror and believed it himself. He lost weight to the maximum, and told him again "eat".
And as a child, again the boy turned to God to ask why he was. But God did not answer.
The boy inflicted wounds so that the pain inside was not strong. The blood flowed, but it did not become easier.
The boy wrote, but most said that what he wrote is worthless. But the boy had a new girlfriend who supported him. For that he loved his girlfriend.
The boy started other relationships, he loved strongly, and his love blinded. He did not see how they betray him. And again it hurt him. He was used to pain.
The boy continued to write, and he wrote from the heart. He gave his experience and shared his advice. He had his own blog where everyone was "different". The boy tried to help everyone, but no one could.
The boy was used, lied to him and tried to break. But he hid his kindness already, there was no longer what to break. The boy became a difficult man, never smiled more. Only anger in it lived, protected from the world of the bad.
The third relationship with the boy began, but he was finally happy because he loved him as he loved. Kisses and hugs of a loved one did not let him think of the bad.
But the world has changed, the war has begun. They sent the boy away from home, and his beloved disappeared. Friends who were, left the world, and he remained alone. He looked in the mirror and hated himself with all his heart and what was left of him. Some moments stopped the pain, but it did not disappear. The boy felt no other here, but no one was around.
By chance, the boy met a musician playing the organ. He had long hair and was like Jesus. His smile was doing something strange with the guy. He smiled back and felt warm again inside. Every touch, hug and kiss made the boy happy he had never been. And something has changed in the boy.
