Thieves of Dreams: Stories of the Night [A Collection of Short Stories]

Do You Remember Your First Love?

So I just finished Persuasion, the movie, on Netflix. and It reminded me of so many feelings I have forgotten.

So I decided to share my story here, with my friends and my community. Who else would I want to tell my story to but you, my gentle readers.

I had the luck to love once. I was 12 then, pretty much in middle school and thought the world revolved around me. And like everyone in my school at this age, I too wanted to fall in love and be loved.

Do you believe in love at first sight? I do. I had it. Twice.

My first love, he was something else. Not special in the sense of anything peculiar, but he definitely had a dazzling smile that made my heart stop beating. Once? Maybe twice?

I remember how I used to admire his features and relish his actions. I studied him, learned about him, and knew him. I felt him. You know your love is deep for someone when you know their mood by how they walk. That was me, little old me deeply and madly in love with him. He stole my heart in a beat, and it drove me crazy that no matter how much I tried to make him earn it, I knew silently, it was already his.

It's amazing how I still remember the intensity of my feelings and was aware they were too mature for my age. But I never had it easy. There were...complications. My enemy (who, apparently at the time, was secretly in love with me, go figure) was his best friend. So he tore us apart. He knew my weaknesses, and he knew what his best friend would believe. So when all was said and done, he watched us tear apart.

I forgave them a long time ago, the enemy and my first love. My enemy, because I understood what unrequited feelings did to someone who you loved but could do nothing about. And my first love, because he never gave us a chance and took the word of 1 person rather than listening to the full story.

I prayed for them both, you know? I did. And it brings me peace and happiness knowing that they found the love of their lives. That their love is too deep and never bound to be broken. Neither should know heartache like I once knew it. So I did the best thing I knew: I prayed as if my life depended on it, because in some ways -- it did.

That's one side of the story. Before I could find peace in my prayers, I cried long and hard. For eight years. That's why Persuasion, the movie, hit me hard. 8 years my heart crumbled before me and wrapped itself in chains and daggers. Not allowing anyone to enter, or to feel anything.

I was numb for a good while and swore to never love again. So I disciplined myself, the impulsive reckless me, and shut any feelings away. So last month, when I turned 23, marks 11 years of never falling in love.

The question remains, was it worth it? Did I do the right thing? 

I used to miss him sometimes, but now I don't. Nor do I feel pain. I'm fully healed. And yet, I can't seem to find the courage to open myself again. Somewhere inside, I know that I'm still that 12-year-old, but this time I'm too scared to love again.

I won't deny that there may be some parts that I would have my Wentworth as Anne Elliot had. But I know better. I wasn't persuaded by anyone to give him up. I was too in love for my own good, so when I got stabbed...it took me 8 years to recover.

I think my problem is I no longer fear love, I just don't remember how to love again. I forgot how. Silly me, I forgot one of life's greatest gifts. Yet, sometimes I think I needed to forget. So I can learn to love myself. To love me, my body, my spirit, my personality. If I don't love myself, then who will? If not now, then when?

I think the lesson I'm trying to say is...Find yourself and love it through the hurting.

At least, I did. I'll pray you can too.

I found my peace in my prayers, and it doesn't mean that I didn't cry while I was praying. It means it brought me comfort despite my pain.

So find what brings you peace when you're hurting.

#LoveYourself #FindYourself #Peacewhilehurt #FirstLoves #PossibleHeartbreaks #ManyWhatsIfs

******

Disclaimer: This is not based on a prompt, but actually on my love life. One should not feel ashamed to share their experiences. You don't know who you might inspire one day.

Are you ready to be as courageous as me? Share your experiences and first loves, I'd love to know ;)