Love Me Softly

Introduction

I don't know where I should begin my story. My life growing up was boring. I lived with my mother, father and older brother. My older brother was in trouble. I would always hear my mom yelling at him and he'd steal money from me. We were never close but in some sense we were. I liked to bother him and get him in trouble as any young child does. He was 12 when I was born and we have different fathers. We were still raised together as normal siblings. He walked my mother down the aisle when she finally got married to my dad. They've been together for twenty years. There's not much to say about my dad. He went to a prestigious college for engineering and works on famous robots and something else to do with the military. I don't really know. My mom runs her own business getting kids into private schools and colleges. The client stories can be interesting but otherwise it's boring. My mother and I have a really rocky on and off relationship. She used to be really strict but these days I can't tell anymore. We used to do everything together and I was her perfect little daughter but now she probably sees me as a disappointment especially since I came out as trans almost three years ago. She still sees me as a girl so I don't even try to explain my sexuality to her. She describes me as difficult and a pain in her ass. I love her but I hate her just as much. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for her. I want to move out and be on my own but I don't have the life skills to do so. I lived a very sheltered life with no friends and definitely no partners except the few online relationships but they weren't real for they were all online. My first real relationship was with my

friend Oscar. We didn't date for very long. Two weeks if I remember correctly and one of these weeks I was stuck in my second psych ward stay. He left me for my ex but we still stayed best friends. I feel like he was my first true sexual awakening since he was the first person I ever kissed. I pushed him too far and was too stupid to see that he was uncomfortable. I like to make excuses for myself but there's really no excuse for what I did. It was my fault and I have to take full responsibility for my actions and I do. It all went downhill from there. I started whoring myself out. If we were dating and you wanted nudes go ahead. I didn't even bother to crop my face out. I didn't care. I didn't care who had them and where they ended up. I don't even know why I felt that way. I guess I thought I'm im getting surgeries for transitioning or I'm going to kill myself any day now. Maybe it was the attention it got me. On top of that I've been in and out of hospitals and I barely know what illness I can blame all my problems on even when everyone including myself know my problems are from my own shitty behaviors but it's nice to have something rather than someone to blame even though that's not entirely true. I like to blame my mothers for all the problems in my life. If she didn't shelter me, if she didn't misgender and deadname me, maybe if she didn't believe in physical punishments. Now it sounds like I'm painting my mother out of the villain of the story but she's not. She really tries to be a good mother. She buys me nice things, takes me on nice vacations, and tries to be supportive of me. I take her for granted because of my own selfish narcissistic behaviors. I've learned to hate myself throughout the course of my life and started to engage in self destructive behaviors. That's just how it goes I guess.