Yep. It's cause i didn't give enough affection.
He knew i was at my dad's.
He knew i couldn't give it cause of that.
He knew he was my first relationship.
During that time, i was having suïçīdąl thoughts.
"If he left you during how you were feeling, he didn't care." - Dan.
And T still left me. I ate my food and went back. He said we could still be friends.. i gave him my whole heart. I tried so hard. But he just threw it away.
I don't know what i did wrong. I tried hard. I did a good enough job for a beginner..
I became even more sad. And cried for hours.. and hours.
He said he cared.
He told me he loved me.
He told me he cared.
He told me he cared.
He told me he cared.
He told me he cared.
He lied.
A week or two later, i message him on discord.. asking
"Do you even care anymore?
Be honest.
Do you even care how i feel, care about us and our friendship, and stuff?
And be honest with me cause I'm crying my eyes out thinking about it, rn."
"No" - T
"So if i dropped you, you would care?"
"Yup" - T
......................
That was it.
After that, he blocked me.
My heart sank.
My eyes started to flood.
I was shaking. In a call.
Stuttering, i say
"He blocked me.." while covering my mouth.
I couldn't believe it. After that,
I've been wanting to just kill myself.
I don't really care about life anymore.
Before i started talking to him again, i was gonna do it.
Now that he's gone, i wanted to do it again.
But i tried to move on. And it was hard. So. Hard. It felt like a dream.
Just a terrible, terrible dream.
Eventually, i realized how he was selfish. And he put pressure on me.
So i got worse, more than better.
I still can't believe that a 4 year relationship of mine is over. We've been friends for so long..
It can't be..
I saw him a few days ago. Thing were awkward.
And i saw him again the next day.
Things were well and if made a new friend. But he avoided me.
And he kicked me out, too. He did not care about my existence.
I heart was broken. And even though he has been a jerk to me, i want another chance. Because this relationship has lasted to long for it to be over.
I can't deal with this, anymore.
Thankfully, i have a friend that's keeping me alive, rn.
Rat. I love you.
And this is all for now 12:46am Jul 23 2022.
