Wasted Butterflies

You make me feel bad

She laughed. "Gods, you could catch fire making cereal." 

I don't remember what exactly I did or said, or why exactly it prompted her to say something like that. All I remember is that we're in our senior year of college, she was playing Minecraft on my computer, I was sitting on my bed, and ever since she came to my dorm three hours ago, she has been finding new and elaborate ways to call me stupid. 

Scratch that, this has been going on for way more than three hours. Try nine and a half years, just about. 

She turns around in my spinning chair, and looks at me funny. "Were you even listening?" 

I glared at her bitterly. "Um, yeah. I've been listening." 

"And... You didn't think that was funny?" She stood up and walked over to me. "Usually, you laugh at those kinds of jokes." 

"Yeah, well, I've been getting sick of them lately." 

She rolled her eyes, sitting next to me. "And what type would you prefer? Toilet humor?" 

"Preferably the type that doesn't target me!" I snapped.

"Woah, woah, easy tiger. I don't mean it. You know I don't mean it." 

"Then why do you say it? Every time I'm with you, you're always... Insulting me. Even in public. And it... It used to be fine. It used to be just a little light teasing, but it's really starting to hurt. I don't know if you've gotten more aggressive with it, or if I'm just being too sensitive-" 

"Probably the second one." She crossed her arms in front of her. "Look, I get that you're insecure, but I can't just be there to inflate your ego all the time. I thought you liked that about me, I thought you didn't like being coddled." 

"I'm not asking you to coddle me!" 

"Oh really? Because honestly, it sounds like that's exactly what you want me to do. Well, I can't, so why don't you just go home crying to your mommy?" 

I flinched at her harsh tone. 

She noticed. "... I didn't mean that. Look, I've barely gotten any sleep this week, so my blood consists purely of red bull and adrenaline right now. And that's not just because of winter finals, so forgive me for snapping and saying things I don't mean. If you'd been through everything I have, you wouldn't fault me for it." 

I bit the inside of my cheek. "You have no idea." I could taste blood. "You have no fucking idea of what I've been through!" My voice wavered a little, but I didn't care. 

What I did care about was how... Betrayed she looked, when I said that. "No idea? Percy, I was right there with you! I was there to rush you to the infirmary when Luke sic'ed that scorpion on you, I was the one that had to tell everyone you were MIA and probably dead while you got whisked away to the literal tropical resort of legends, I took a knife for you in the battle of Manhattan, I was there to help you survive the deepest pits of-" She bit her lip to stop it from shaking, unable to even say the name of our darkest nightmares. She stepped away, her blonde ponytail swishing me in the face as she turned her face away from me, and I could see the white streak in her hair. "... Y'know, we've been through so much together, and yet nowadays... Sometimes I wonder if you even like me." 

"Like you? Annabeth, I... I love you." She turned back, hope glinting in her eyes. I felt a temptation to leave it at that and put this whole petty argument behind us. 

But I didn't. 

Because deep down, I knew it wasn't petty at all. So even though the coming words felt like needles being stuck into my tongue, I knew I had to say them. "... But... I don't like being around you. Because I feel bad." I stood up a little straighter. "You make me feel bad."