Decades have passed but still it isn't clear to me. I can't accept the fact that the love of my life is already gone.
It feels like its just yesterday, we're cuddling on our bed savoring the moment of our lives which we usually do when we have an alone time. I can say that I am really lucky to have Bentley in my life he's like an Angel fallen from the sky. He is really a God-given, but that divine gift was immediately taken away from me. He was once my knight he protected me all the time and make me always feel that I am a treasure, worth to keep. He made me feel a lot of things that's foreign on me. Our love is like a magic but its surreal. Our love made fruits and that is our three lovely kids named Castiel, Deili, and Eros.
"Love, let's eat. I've made your favorite dish."
"Pork Steak! I put a lot of cream with it just how you like it. Love."
"Ma..." Deili calls me.
"Yes, Baby? Do you want some also?" I ask while smiling. "Just a bit, will do baby.. okay? It's your Papa's favorite we will let him eat a lot because he was tired of working." I explain so my daughter won't be jealous.
"Ma!! Stop it!! Dad's already dead." Castiel shouted. That makes me furious.
"Castiel!! How can you say that to your Dad?" I ask madly.
"Ma, Dad's already gone.. How long will you be like that? Please.." Eros said while crying.
"We don't want to see you like this .. We're also mourning Ma .. but it's been a decade since father passed away. When will you accept that fact?" Deili said while crying also.
I can't understand my kids. How can they say that infront of their parents while eating. I am furious with that thought, but I can't stay mad at them. So instead of scolding them. I just smile, disregarding what they just said.
"Let's just continue eating kids, the foods are getting cold, already." I said while smiling at them. Instead of following what I just said.
Castiel tsked at me before leaving the dining. I just sigh. Well, how long I'll be acting like this? How long I'll be grieving with my late husband? If they just knew that I've really tried accepting that fact, but its really hard. How can I believe it when he strong and healthy. How can I believe it when he was still smiling at me.
"Love.. I know that you are already tired but please know that I am here waiting for you always." I remembered saying this when we are at the hospital when he was at the operating room. Bentley diagnosed having a heart failure, he have this since then and I am so pathetic for not knowing it. I am blaming myself for his death. Because if I just know it earlier maybe.. he won't die. If I just knew..
I cried again but no tears are streaming down to my cheeks. Maybe my tears are also tired at me. That thought made me cry more even there's no tear escaping. How many person will I need to get tired of me, just for me to be back in the reality. Or will I ever be back or I will be living in this forever.
My body's really numb. I don't even want to get up in my bed to cook our meal. I am too lazy to do the chores. I have lost my appetite for everything. I just want to lay in bed all day. Do nothing.
I know that my relationship with the kids are slowly tearing apart. I don't want it to happen but can I do anything about it? No. I mean, I can, but I don't know how. And what's the point. I am not physically and mentally stable. I don't think also if it'll have a good outcome.
I really need Bentley right now. I really need my husband. It makes me miss him even more when it comes to parenting, because within us two he's the one more hands-on with our babies.
As the starry night goes on. I came up with a plan of having a serious talk with them, individually. I go first to Eros room, just to see him sleeping peacefully. I was about to exit when I heard Eros murmuring something.. he's dreaming. I guess and that made me smile. My baby didn't really change at all. I kiss his forehead while arranging his blanket before leaving his room. Next room is our only princess Deili's room just to see her reading a book. I knock on her door to get her attention.
"Love, can i talk to you for a moment?" I ask and she just nodded.
I sigh before heading close to her. She looks at me with her worrying face. I smile to make her feel that I am at ease. And start combing her long curly hair with my fingers.
"How are you, My love?" I asked while still combing her hair.
"Mama.. No! How are you?.. I know you're facing a worst dilemma right now but just remember that we're here. We, Eros, Castiel and I are suffering the same thing. You're not just the only one who lost, Dad." She said while her tears starts streaming down to her chubby cheeks. I immediately wipe those tears a way.
"Hush baby.. I am sorry if I am still weak. Still weak to face this kind of stuffs. I am sorry that I've made you three feel like this." I cried as I say sorry to my daughter.
"Mom.. We love you, and we are here for you, to be with you." someone behind my back said. I was about to tilt my head back to see who the one said that, but someone already hug me from behind. I smile as I caressed his small set of arms wrapping around my waist.
"I love you, Mama." Eros said.
"Ma, I have something to show you." Castiel said.
Castiel bring me to our garden and I see a box of treasure on the wooden bench.
"Open it, Mommy." Eros said.
I smile at Eros and immediately sit on the bench. Putting the treasure box on my lap and gently opens it. To see a small globe with a mini sakura tree on the inside and when you shakes it a snow flakes will show this was mine given by Bentley. I thought I won't ever see it again but that isn't the one caught my attention but a white scented paper with light pink ribbon is inside the treasure box. I untie the ribbon and unfold the paper and read it.
"Sierra My Beloved.
If you see this letter this apparently the day. I am gone already. But don't be sad baby. Because I'm always here watching you from a far. Even you won't see me physically but I am here spiritually will always be guiding you in every decision you've made, will help you watch our Princess and Princes. You we're my lucky charm. You're the treasure, that I will surely keep forever. Baby always remember that I love you and it'll be always be you. I didn't regret choosing you as my end game because you gave a the best happy ending. You My Love, Castiel, Eros, and Deili are my favorite chapter of my life. I love you all.
Loving, Bentley.
I thought my husband made me tough and stronger because when with I'm with him. I am really stronger because he made me one. But I was wrong. I am strong just because of him, yes. He is my strength that made me depends on him. But I am still the flawful girl that he just met. He was my savior, my knight, my bullet proof, my shield and armor.
I am still the girl full of flaws but now my flaws are with sorrows. Sorrow for my late husband, the love of my life.
I will continue living my fullest with the best amulets. God has made. He may taken Bentley away but God gave me my childrens that once a part of Me and Bentleys love story.
- NOV. 22, 2021
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
