Things Thought At Night

Prologue

As Alex grabbed my arm and turned me around, my heart raced. I tried to ignore him as I jerked away from him to open my car door.

"Natalie, what I've been trying to tell you is that I really want to take you out. Like, on a date or something," Alex persisted through my stubbornness to get away.

I looked at him sadly and began to speak.

"Look, I don't know what to say or what to do, because I feel stuck. I'm about to say something crazy, Alex. Something that you're not going to believe, but you need to know. I've already lived through this- through us. You see, the night you broke up with me, I was in a car accident. I ended up dying in the hospital; laying there spending my last hours wondering if you would run in the door any minute. It's almost as if I wanted you to burst in apologizing, wanting me back, but then being forced to watch me leave you. Just like you left me. I wanted you to feel the pain I felt, but of course, you never even showed up to say goodbye. I don't know if you knew what happened, but I guess I had hoped you would at least come. I don't know; it was weird," I mumbled as I looked down for a minute.

I looked back up at him to start to explain, and I could tell how confused Alex was.

"When I finally died and went to heaven, God gave me a wish. I wished to come back to the day we first talked- like really talked. That's today. I wanted a chance to start over because you ended up breaking me, and I didn't want to end my life feeling like I did- cold and still broken. I figured that if I could come back, I could change that. The months that we spent together ended up meaning nothing because you slowly ripped my heart out. I was broken to the point of not being able to talk to anybody without pretending to be happy, putting a fake smile on, and covering my lingering sadness with a mask. You didn't notice, though. You were already gone, and had been drifting away for a while. It killed me. Alex, believe me when I say I want to relive the good times, but I don't know if I want to go through that ending again. It destroyed me, and I don't know how many times a person can be rebuilt."

"Well, how do you know that it won't be different this time? I won't hurt you," Alex spoke as tears began to brim his eyes.

I had never seen him this confused, this hurt. I couldn't tell if he believed what I was saying, but I knew that the words I said somehow affected him. Of course I wanted to run back to him, to confide in his safe arms, but I knew the outcome. If I stayed with him, nothing would change in the end. I had so many doubts- masses of what ifs, but I knew that in the end, nothing was going to change. I had already been through it.

"But that's the thing; I'm not worried about getting hurt again. I've already been broken, and I haven't been rebuilt. I've tried so hard to forget, but whenever I think it's left my mind, it all comes flooding back in like a tidal wave. You say you're not going to hurt me, but Alex; you can't change something that's already happened."

"I promise, Natalie. Please don't just leave me like this. I honestly don't know what's happening, and I'm sorry if I hurt you, but don't just leave me here," he pleaded.

Alex was still utterly confused, and I couldn't blame him. It was hard to understand myself, but I knew that fixing all of this- not dating him, would leave me feeling relieved in the end. Considering I had reached mine. As I looked up at Alex to respond, it started to rain softly. I pulled my jacket tighter around me and bit my lip as I started talking again.

"I'm not the one leaving, here. You already did. So, don't say you're not going to hurt me. Don't make promises you can't keep."

As I finished talking, I turned around to get into my car. I didn't want to wait around to hear his reaction because I knew that if I did, I wouldn't be strong enough to leave. Using all my mental strength, I quickly closed my car door and drove away, leaving Alex alone in that desolate parking lot. I thought about everything that had just happened, and as the school slowly vanished in my rearview mirror, I felt streams of hot tears fall down my cheeks.