Picture this. My name is Lucas. I am 24 years old. It's 8:50PM on a Summer Saturday night. I've had my girlfriend over, and we messed around, as 24 year olds do.
She went home about half an hour ago, and I'm still caked in sweat. I feel fucking filthy, so I do the most logical thing. I go to take a bath. But as I step into the bathroom, I'm overcome with the most disgusting fucking stench. Then I see it. My brother's stupid fucking printer.
It's huge and it's fucking ancient. And it smells like shit. And it's just sitting there in my fucking bathtub. It wasn't there fifteen minutes ago when I turned on the faucet and started running this bath.
I swear to god, I'm going to fucking kill my dumbass fucking brother when he comes home tonight. He thinks he's so fucking funny leaving his disgusting, smelly fucking printer in my bathtub while I'm not looking. And to make matters worse, this printer has a mind of its fucking own. As I stare at it, a green light on the printer switches on and its shitty early 2000s screen backlight comes on. It's fucking taunting me, ridiculing me, making an absolute fucking fool out of me, without even saying a word. I hate this fucking printer so much.
That's when it starts printing out porn.
Straight up fucking porn.
Pictures of porn stars. Stills from pornos. Hentai pics. Pretty sure I saw it print out fetish art too. I know it does it to fucking annoy me. The paper sort of melancholically floats out of the tray and into the bathtub water when it comes out, and the smell of wet ink and old paper pollutes the air of the bathroom.
"That's it," I yell at the printer, on my last nerve, "I'm going to fucking deal with you once and for all!"
Now, I live on the top of a twenty-storey building, so I have this wonderful idea. I'm going to drop this stupid fucking printer over the edge like it fucking deserves.
I heave it out of the bathtub, which wasn't an easy job. The plastic casing of the disgusting printer is all slippery with the water. I curse as it slips and nearly lands on my barefoot toes. This brings me to the decision to grab some rope from the kitchen pantry and tie this stupid fucking printer up so that I can pull it to the balcony easier.
My brother is going to be so pissed that I did this, but I don't fucking care. I am getting rid of this smelly, disgusting, fucking stupid printer TONIGHT.
It's printing porn faster and faster as I get closer to the balcony. I get papercuts on my arms from the fast-flying paper. I curse at the fucking stupid asshole printer more and more. It is alive and knows what it's doing. But it won't be alive for much longer because I am going to throw it off the fucking twentieth storey.
I take the printer onto the balcony and look down. I feel extreme vertigo as I look over the railing. It's a long way down. I use all my strength to heave my brother's dumbass old printer onto the railing, before I let it tip over the edge.
I laugh as I watch it tumble through the air, then shatter into a thousand fucking pieces on the sidewalk below.
My brother's smelly, disgusting, fucking stupid printer is finally dead. He will never leave it in my fucking bathtub again.
Good fucking riddance, printer.
YOU ARE READING
The Printer Chronicles
RandomWe've all been there. You want to take a bath, but your brother put his stupid printer in your bathtub again, and to make matters worse, his printer is a fucking douchebag and keeps printing porn on its own because it KNOWS how much it pisses you of...
