The Rigby Chronicles

Prologue

Dear Diary,

I don't know why I did it. I didn't know 9 years ago, and I still don't know now. As the years multiply my memory blurs. Mordecai's blood... my knife. It's collecting dust in my drawer. I regret if every day.

-Rigby.

"What the fuck is that supposed to say"

"AHHH!" I impulsively chuck my diary up into the air in shock. "What the F Wario?"

"Soz I didn't mean to scare you. Pussy." He sits his fat ass beside me on my bed, breaking the support beam. "What were you writing?" He's spilling rice wheel crumbs on my duvet.

"Nunya"

"Was that a fucking diary you wimp?"

Suddenly, Greg Hefley enters my apartment. "I know that pain." He smolders... cinematically glaring outside the window behind Wario and I. I don't know what he's hoping to see- I live on the second floor of a government-supported community flat with a view of the communal dumpsters. "I know it better than anyone. People mistaking my JOURNAL for a diray... I'll never-"

"Shut the fuck up who even invited you" Wario pulls his pants down. Greg screams and runs out of the building. That's the one thing I respect about Wario, how he can scare off anyone by simply showing them his jungle. "Well that was extremely sus 😂" Wario zips up his fly and dribbles a bit.

"You're fucking disgusting" I say whilst slapping his voluptuous cheeks.

"It's disgusting how desperate you are..." Wario pulls me in close. Someone emerges from underneath the bed.

"Don't you dare start without me boys" Mr Worldwide seductively guides his hands under my shirt and over my prickly nipples. We all know what to do and who to do it to. We've done this before. Worldwide is the ultimate sub, so he just lays down naked. Wario is a sumo wrestler in bed, so he whips out his king of the jungle and goes crazy. Whilst I, a swift raccoon, sneaks everywhere.

We're 2 hours in when the unexpected occurs. "IT'S COMING" Worldwide yelps. Shit. I've never been a midwife before.