Defending the Inevitable [On-Going]

Chapter One- RELAPSE

" You've relapsed again. We've been doing this for how many years now? Three? Four? Tell me, what do you think is your trigger this time?"... that's my psych therapist talking.

Hayst, Zar relapse na naman ha? Minsan hindi ko na din alam kung bakit ako may kakaibigang ganap sa loob ng bungo ko. Paulit ulit din naman yung nangyayari. I feel like I am in a loop, it keeps on repeating, and it is so so tiring.

Well, what happened this time was; that I wanted to transfer school again because I lost the appetite in going to my classes. My reasons? Wala lang, nakakawala lang talaga ng gana. Tamad ba ako? You can say that I am lazy, but it is not that. I badly want to do a lot of stuff for myself, but I can't. I don't have the motivation to do so.

I've been like this since I was 9 years old. I've been quiet and kept everything inside. I don't have the capacity of finishing a certain task at a given time. Madalas nga ay hindi ko pa ito natatapos e. Of course, there's a reason why I am like this, but I don't want to talk about that, for now.

"For the first question, it's been 3 and a half years. Second question, same usual shits, Doc" I replied to the woman in front of me.

She's an expert in her field, no doubt. Kaya hindi ko sya masisisi kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi parin ako gumagaling.

Whenever we have sessions, there's a series of activities and exercises na pinapagawa nya sakin, but the problem with that ay isa akong dakilang pasaway.

Dumadalaw lang ako kung kailan gusto ko ng maglabas ng sama ng loob, hahaha hindi naman sa nakikitae lang ako dito ha? whaha , basta alam nyo na yong dahilan non.

Most of the exercises really does helped me to be better, pero nahihirapan padin ako. Sabihin na nating mas malala yung kalagayan ko before.

"Okay, was it because of the environment? Aren't you comfortable enough? Or let me do a wild guess. There's someone, again, that causes you emotional pain?---I know that you have a fragile mind, considering what happened to you. Izar, we've been treating you for a couple of years, but you've been depressed since you are 9 years old. You know that we shouldn't rush your treatment or let alone neglect it" Doc missy is on fire again with her monologues.

"Zar, one more University here in Scotland that you would transfer to, I'll probably give you a trophy already.... Do you want to try a different school? Maybe, perhaps, outside your comfort zone? I think it's time to challenge yourself to be outside your comfort zone." she added.

Tama nga naman sya, halos lahat na ata ng unibersidad dito sa Scotland ay nalibot ko na, minsan ay habang sa kalagitnaan ako ng semester lumilipat e. Pwede na kong mag-karoon ng award kalilipat ko ng eskuwelahan,

"Best in Transferring Universities" for Izar Zervania.

Paano ba naman kasi, hindi ko na nga mashadong pinapikilala yung sarili ko sa mga tao, ay madalas pa rin nila kong inaaproach, iba talaga ang may pagsa-Dyosa ang lahi, pansinin ng mga fersons.

Syempre, bilang ako na madaling maging dependent  at maattach sa kanila ay hindi maiwasan na kalaunan nagiging toxic ang friendship. I know, nakakainis ang gantong personality. Aba! napapagod nadin naman ako no.

I badly wanted to end this loop of mine, maybe my Doc Therapist is right, maybe I needed to be away from my comfort zone.

I looked at her and lopsidedly smiled at her while telling her, "Maybe, that would be my last turning point. Maybe that would be my last chance to prove to myself that,' i will heal'."

"You never doubted my skills, but you are doubting yourself so much, I know that you are capable of doing great things once you've ended your loop. I know that you are anxious about how would you be able to face the giants, but I know that you can. We are done for today. Remember, that I am one of those people who believes that you will heal. :)" She ended while giving me a soft smile.