reddit story

i'm sorry

I killed the person I'm in love with.

Not literally, but I might've as well just shot them myself.

I met this girl a few years back, she was 13, I was 15. It might not seem like a huge age gap but when I turned 18, she was going to be turning 16, I didn't want to risk anything. When we met, she had no one, she had no reason to keep going with life. Homeless at 13 with no one to care for you can fuck you up mentally, that's when I met her. I pitied her, became her friend expecting it to fade once she got back on her feet. I didn't think much of it at the time, I was kind to her (as anyone would be when seeing a homeless child).

I was going through my own stuff, recently fucked up my relationship, family stuff, failing classes, I was mentally fucked at the time. As someone who ignored their feelings as much as they could, I would look for distractions wherever I could. She was one of them. I didn't think that she would fall for me in the next few months, nor did I think that she would become more than a distraction. I helped her get back on her feet and was there whenever she needed me. I didn't think I would put down whatever I was doing when I saw a text from her, but I did. Every single time. She was extremely suicidal, and I took it upon myself to keep her alive for as much as I could.

When she told me she liked me a bit after she turned 14, I rejected her. I was 16, a sophomore, she was an 8th grader. I didn't see her as anything more than a friend. In the next year we got closer, her life was fucked once again, and I was going through it as well. I never told her whenever I was going through something, I felt like it was too much to handle and didn't want her to have that on her mind. I didn't talk to anyone about my problems, I didn't want to bother anyone or deal with them either way. She was a distraction from my life, I enjoyed that. I cared for her don't get me wrong, but she would tell me about her day and made me forget all my problems. She always entertained me telling me things that had happened to her or just about her day, she would even tell me about her dreams which usually ended in us getting married and having 2 cats. She was down bad for me throughout our whole relationship. Junior year started, she started high school, she was having mental breakdowns every other week. I was always on her side for everything, it didn't matter if she was wrong, if she had killed someone, I was always on her side. She liked calls so I told her I would call her more often, I didn't. At least not for another few months. She was always very clingy, she texted me almost every second of the day. I didn't mind, I felt needed, wanted. Some time had passed and I turned 17, she was still 14. We were still as close as ever.

I promised I wouldn't stop talking to her as I got older just because I was "cooler" now and she was still a little kid. She hadn't mentioned her crush for me in months so I thought she got over it since she's very vocal about her feelings and would constantly remind me that she liked me. It didn't make me uncomfortable or anything, so I didn't mind the constant reminder. When I started liking this girl from my art class, I told her about it, she seemed happy and supportive about it. I found out a few months later that she cried for hours, was extremely sad about it but didn't want to say anything because and I quote "he's a depressed little kid, he deserves someone to make him happy and if it's her then so be it." I never mentioned art girl again, told her that the art girl ended up liking one of my friends and moved on from it.

I lost my other best friend around that time, and my ex contacted me saying they wanted me back. I was mentally fucked after losing someone important to me and didn't want an old important person back in my life, so I ignored it. I just had her, everything else had gone to shit once again. I was grateful she was in my life, yet I never fully appreciated her. She would constantly tell me how much she liked me and that she would never leave, that I would end up leaving her first. I never felt the need to worry about it since I thought she was always going to be there, no matter what I did. This was a girl that could tell through text when I wasn't okay, and she wouldn't ask me about it since she knew I wasn't going to share. She would just say "I know you're upset. Want to call soon or do you want me to tell you a story?" whether she knew what was going on or not, she was always there. You can't find that everywhere, people are nosy, if you don't tell them in detail what is happening then they wont care. She always told me she was proud of me, no matter what. I failed my driver's test and nonetheless she said she was proud of me and that I can always try again. She always did so much for me, in attempt to make me happy. I never thanked her since I wasn't all that open with my feelings and honestly didn't feel like I needed to, I felt like she knew.

She turned 15 and not long after I was proven wrong, she did not know how grateful I was for her. She wrote me a suicide letter; told me she had been going through it and that she felt like there was nothing more here for her. She said she loved me and that she was sorry she wasn't able to make me happy or help me in any possible way. She said she had been putting it off for a while because she didn't want to leave me since I seemed happier than usual lately and she didn't want to fuck that up by killing my only best friend. She had been getting distant, but I thought it was just because she started talking to this other guy that she told me about. I always felt like I wasn't doing enough for her, she always did so much for me, but I never felt like I did enough for her. She made me so happy, and I loved her so much. She was my only best friend. I'm not one to cry but I teared up as I read the letter, thankfully she didn't die. Called me the day after said she just had a concussion and I had never been happier to see her name pop up on my phone. I was so relived, I thought I had lost one of the most important people to me and my favorite person. I poured my heart out to her that night, told her she made me insanely happy, thanked her for being my best friend, told her I loved her and that I would be a complete mess without her. She stuck around for a while more, and we came to the conclusion that if she died, she would be reincarnated as my future cat. She asked if I would bring my cat to my wedding, and I said yes. She said "nvm I don't want to die anymore. I'll just stay alive and marry you, then we can bring our pets to OUR wedding" I laughed. She was so cute. I loved waking up to messages from her. Going to sleep with her on the phone. I convinced myself I didn't like her.

2 more years passed, our relationship was the same as always and I loved it. She was turning 18 in a few days. She brought it up after not talking about it since her last birthday "you said ''we'll see'' you said that if you had feelings by the time that I turned 18 you would consider. You said it was the age, that's why we couldn't be together." I had just turned 20 and she was turning 18 soon, very soon. I was at a loss for words, I didn't want to fuck anything up, I didn't want to lose her. Yet I led her on for 5 years with the possibility of a "maybe" I hadn't dated anyone or even thought of liking someone after hurting her with art girl. She turned 18 and didn't bring it up.

Then my brother died. All I wanted was to be near her, for her to tell me everything was going to be fine. So, I used her as an escape from reality. Started going out with her, forgot my problems, I was genuinely happy. Everything was fine until the day I thought she had cheated on me. She didn't. I don't know why I thought she did. She had stayed loyal to me who she wasn't even dating for 5 years. There was no reason for her to cheat on me.

I went off on her. Told her I never liked her, and I was just using her to distract myself. I guess it wasn't too far off the truth, but I was in love with her. I don't know when it happened, but she was all I could think about for a long while before we started dating. I told her I hated everything about her, and I just didn't leave because all I felt for her was pity.

I saw her heart break. I saw her face as she held back tears, all the shit she had been through, and this hurt her the most. I could tell she was completely shattered. I didn't mean it; I was in love with her. I didn't mean to hurt her. I saw her start packing her stuff not letting a single tear fall. She lived with me, where was she going to go. I wanted to ask but her face was telling me to not get near her.

She drank herself numb. Her friend has been updating me ever since but even when I see her, I can tell that she changed. The look in her eyes changed. She used to have a loving, caring look on her face. Now its just cold, she does not care about a single being anymore. Not a single loving thought behind those eyes.

I killed the person I was in love with.

(if anyone could give me any advice on what to do i would appreciate it)