"Natalie!" Tawag ko sa babaeng tumatakbo papalayo sa'kin. Gustuhin ko man ang habulin siya, pero tila parang ayaw sumunod ng mga paa ko.
Palagi nalang. Palagi nalang kaming nag-aaway for a stupid reason. Why is it so important for her na sabihan ko siyang mahal ko siya. I may not have been vocal about my feelings, but I love her. Doesn't she feel it? Didn't she believed those words I told her last year? Do I have to keep saying those words every time for her to feel it? There's really no big meaning if I keep on repeating it. Is it really that important Natalie? Is my heart not enough? Ami I not enough? Why are you so childish! And why am I talking to myself! Uuggh! This is making me feel dizzy. Lilipas din to. Magiging okay din ulit kami ni Natalie bukas.
I checked my phone to see if Natalie sent me a message. But there's nothing. I checked my phone again to see other messages that I didn't bother to read because I was busy searching Natalie's name. They're all from my friends saying we'll go clubbing tonight. Morons! I have a problem with Natalie and I don't have time for that. I put my phone back to the table and went for a shower. Maybe I'll have to go to her and tell her I'm sorry.
I went to the university where Natalie studies, the university where we first met. I'm years ahead Natalie kaya nauna akong grumaduate at nakapagtrabaho. I texted her na pumunta sa dating tambayan namin and that I'll wait until matapos ang klase niya. She texted me back and asked me kung wala ba akong trabaho and I smiled. She's always very considerate kahit nagtatampo pa siya. I texted her back telling her it was okay.
Nagsimula na akong maglakad para pumunta sa lugar na sinabi kong pagkikitaan namin dahil medyo malaki ang university at pag nagpaligoy-ligoy pa ako eh maunahan niya pa ako. Luckily, dumating na ako pero wala pa siya. I waited for almost 30 minutes nung dumating na siya but I didn't really care about the time kahit hours pa ang abutin ko kung siya naman ang hihintayin ko. I smiled to her and gave her the bouquet of flowers that I bought just this morning to make it up to her. She gave me a smile and accepted the flowers. I kissed her cheecks at niyaya siyang umupo. When we sat down, I held her hand and looked at her with so much love, sana Natalie maramdaman mo.
"Bakit ka nga pala nandito Jay?" Tanong niya sa'kin at ibinaling ang tingin kung saan-saan but not to me.
"About yesterday..." She looked at me and waited sa idudugtong ko. I wanted to say those words na matagal na niyang hinihintay but it's tickling around my neck at parang ayaw lumabas sa mga bibig ko. She waited patiently to what I'm going to say next. "I'm sorry babe" bakas sa mukha niya na nasaktan siya sa nasabi ko. She's so disappointed, hurt and I made her cry again! Shit! What the hell Jay! Why do you keep on hurting her! Why is it so hard for you to say those words to her! I badly want to punch myself for making her cry. I wanted to wipe the tears away rolling down to her cheecks but she turned around to wipe her tears away by herself. She finally looked at me and tried to smile, well she succeeded but it was a faint smile.
"About yesterday, it was nothing. I'm sorry sa pagiging mababaw ko. Sige ha! May klase pa ako. Ingat ka papuntang trabaho." And with that, she ran away again from me.
I hate myself. I hate myself for not being able to do anything, something. I always make her cry and hurt so much. But then again, kahit anong pilit ng puso ko na habulin siya, ayaw sumunod nang utak at nang katawan ko. Kaya lumayo nalang ako at pumunta sa pinaradahan ko sa aking sasakyan. Fuck this pride!
It's been a week simula nong nangyari sa university. I haven't been in touch with Natalie dahil naging busy ako sa work. And she haven't called or me texted me either. When finally I got a chance to get away from work, pinuntahan ko siya sa bahay niya. Kumatok ako at pinagbuksan naman ako ng yaya ni Natalie. I asked her kung nasan si Natalie at ang sabi ni Manang Lourdes ay nasa kwarto daw, nag-aaral. Tinanong ko siya kung okay lang bang puntahan ko siya, at pinayagan naman niya ako. I thanked her at pumunta na sa kwarto ni Natalie. When I opened the door, she was shocked to see me pero hindi niya pinahalata.
"Ahh Jay, bakit ka nandito?" Great. Parang wala lang nangyari.
"It's been a week, simula nong nakita at nakausap kita. How have you been doing without contacting me?" I asked her coldly.
"How about you?"
"Don't answer me with another question Natalie." I told her sternly.
She was gonna answer me when her phone rang. Kinuha niya ang phone niya para sagutin ito pero hinablot ko ito para ako na ang sumagot. She was shocked of what I did pero hindi na umangal dahil alam niyang walang makakapigil sa akin.
"Hello?" I asked the other line with a cold voice.
"Uhhm? Hello? Natalie?" Lalaki. Naramdaman kong kumukulo ang dugo ko. Who the hell is this guy?! Tiningnan ko ng masama si Natalie at halata sa mukha niyang kinakabahan siya.
"Who is this?" Tanong ko sa kabilang linya.
"Eh ikaw? Sino ka? At bakit mo pinapakealaman ang cellphone ng iba?!" Ginagalit ba talaga ako ng lalaking 'to?!
"Boyfriend niya. Ikaw sino ka? At bakit ka tumatawag sa isang babaeng may boyfriend na sa ganitong oras ng gabi?!" Hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko.
"Aah. Yung no-good-boyfriend niyang palagi siyang pinapaiyak? I'm Dyllan by the way, Nice meeting you but could you please give Natalie her phone back kasi siya naman talaga ang pakay ko at hindi ik--" I ended the call and looked at Natalie.
"Who the hell is Dyllan?! Siya ba yong kinabu-busyhan mo kaya di mo man lang ako kinontak?!" Galit na ako! Hindi! Nagseselos ako!
"Dyllan is just a friend" she told me sternly "and yes, siya palagi kong kasama nong busy ka! He's always been there for me. Everytime nasasaktan ako dahil sa'yo, he was there! He's far more a greater man than you!" A greater man than me? Huh! Fuck!
"So ano?! Ipagpapalit mo ako sa kaniya?!"
"If I can, then I will!"
"And why can't you?!
"Because I love you jerk! I love you very much na kahit ilang beses mo na akong sinaktan, handa akong magpakatanga dahil mahal kita! At kahit saktan mo pa ako ng paulit-ulit, mamahalin parin kita. I hate you! I hate you 'cause I love you so much!" Napaluhod siya at humagolgol. I hugged her. I hugged her with all my will. This is too much for me. Hindi ko na kayang makita siyang umiiyak at nasasaktan. If this pride will make me lost her then I will make this pride get lost first!
"I'm sorry I've been inconsiderate. I'm sorry Natalie." I looked at her and caressed her cheecks. "I'm sorry" nilagay ko ang forehead ko sa forehead niya pero patuloy parin siya sa pag-iyak. "I-I love you Natalie. Please! Please don't cry my love. Shhhh I'm here. I love you" Nakita ko siyang nagulat dahil sa sinabi ko but I didn't bother to care and just kisses her lips. Pinatayo ko siya at pinaupo sa kama niya para ako ang lumuhod sa harapan niya at hinawakan ko ang dalawang kamay niya. "Please Natalie, don't ever say na iiwanan mo ako kung kaya mo dahil hindi ko kakayanin. I know I've been nothing but a heartache to you, and I'm sorry about that. I know I haven't been vocal with my feelings but I love you. I really really do. I love you so so much. And believe me 'cause I do." She smiled. The sweetest smile I've seen that made me fall in love with her. I smiled back. "I know I haven't said much about my feelings for you, but hey, I only look at you. I may not act like it but I'm paying attention to everything you have done for me and I'm very very happy to have you in my life. I love you. It will always be constant and there will be no change. I love you Natalie." I kissed her again.
"Say it again please." I smiled at her.
"I love you" and kissed her again.
