𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 (on hold)

| 𝟐𝟎 |

I thought of Matthias' words everyday for the next five days. They replayed in my head anytime I did anything. My dreams were filled with distorted conversations.

Niamh with his voice and his words, calling me selfish and leaving me. Percy, once again holding that bundle, telling me that it was my fault— that I simply clung to him too much. Leona telling me she would never regret leaving me.

Everyone I knew drifted through my thoughts at all times of day. I wondered what they really thought about me. How many people lied to my face about liking me? How many of my so-called friends talked about me when I wasn't there?

I couldn't even enjoy Halloween. This year, it fell on a Wednesday. Usually, I bought a selection of sweets and watched a horror film, sometimes with Niamh.

But Niamh was busy, so I found myself once again lost in my own thoughts— just this time I was eating m&ms.

Then, memories filled my dreams. My memory wasn't great, so it was difficult for me to tell which ones were real and which ones weren't. Most had Matthias in.

Times he wished I wasn't there. Times I was annoying, or spoke too much. Times that maybe I embarrassed him in front of other people. I had no clue if they were real.

It hurt me, to look back on out friendship and wonder if it was one-sided. I couldn't imagine it was. I remembered clearly us being completely inseparable.

But I genuinely thought that my memory was no longer trustworthy, which was why I found myself, the day after Halloween, sat on my phone, trying desperately to have a normal conversation with my mum.

"Juniper, are you talking about that murderer from the news?"

I sighed, for the fifth time in this conversation,
"Yes, mum. Matthias Bardot? You don't remember him from my school?"

"Oh! That boy you were always hanging out with? He was lovely, really. We should invite him over sometime."

"He's a murderer, technically, mum. You can't invite him over."

"Oh. Yes. Fair enough. What about him?"

I stared at the ceiling, my head leaning on the back of my armchair,
"Do you remember our friendship being quite good? Or did I just cling onto him?"

"Why? Does it matter?"

I sighed, once again, and tried to think up an excuse on the spot,
"I just found an old letter of his and it confused me a bit. I wasn't clingy, was I?"

My mum laughed,
"God, no. If anyone was clingy out of the two of you, it was him. You two were insanely close. I always used to say to your dad that you'd get married one day."

I rolled my eyes, glad she couldn't see me,
"Right. Okay, thank you mum. Are you totally sure?"

"One hundred percent."

A relieved sigh left my lips. I wasn't sure why I cared so much, but to know that I hadn't been such an annoying friend was a relief.

I eventually got my mum to hang up the phone, and then I leaned back in my chair. I had to know. I knew I had to, and yet I felt so stupid for caring. I should never turn up to one of Matthias' stupid missions again.

I should steal one of his guns and hope I could shoot whoever wanted me dead before they could kill me. I knew it wouldn't work, but it was still tempting.

I never wanted to see Matthias again, and yet I knew that I would.

——-