Where I Am Today

2022 - Seven Years Later

I think it's time I finally came clean about a small white lie I told, right from the beginning.

My name isn't Alexis.

Wow, shock horror, I lied about my name? Well, I grew up with 70s parents, and those parents grew up in an era without the internet, and their limited teachings on the internet that they passed on to me was, NEVER share your real name. And whilst I do think they were being a little dramatic, I have a rather uncommon first name (so uncommon that only 10 people with the same first name come up on Facebook), but adding my last name to the equation gives you a name so unique that I am pretty confident when I say, I am the only person in the world with my name.

Katelin is my middle name, which you don't have to believe, gathered I just told you about how I lied about my first name, but there you go. I've always loved the name Alex, I loved the androgyny that came with it, and I still to this day love the name.

Speaking of androgyny, I guess that's a good way to lead into my next life update: I'm nonbinary. I came out as pansexual (which you can find in one of my diaries over on Light_Horizons), however nowadays I identify more with the labels demisexual and biromantic, but it's easier just saying I'm bisexual.

To answer a few questions I found myself asking my past self as I reread my old diaries, am I still friends with Alice? No, but we are still friends on Facebook and she seems very happy in life.

What happened to the antagonist, Rose?
She reached out to me mid 2016, about 6 months after I moved (I was 14), apologising for how she'd treated me, and that she hoped I was doing well at my new school. It turned out she'd been struggling with depression and self harm alongside me, albeit she kept it as hidden as I did. I do still hold some resentment towards her for how she treated me, but we are friends on Facebook, and like Alice, she seems to be happy in life.

Ella?
I haven't properly spoken to Ella in a long time, but we follow each other on Instagram and keep up-to-date on each other's lives. I know she isn't too happy at the moment, walking some limbo between teenager and adult, but I do truly believe with all my heart that she'll find her footing soon and achieve something great.

Massey?
Hah. Weirdly enough, he's one of the few people I didn't use a fake name for (not sure why). We're friends on Facebook, but haven't spoken in 5 years, gathered I tried to stay in touch, but he isn't really one for texting. Nowadays, I just look back on him fondly as being one of my first proper teenage crushes, and I sometimes wonder what would've happened if I hadn't moved away.

Speaking of Massey and Ella though, a couple months after I moved away, Ella and Steph broke up, and not long after Massey and Ella got together, which is really weird to think about. I had tried to arrange a hangout between the four of us a few months after I had moved, but (naturally) Steph no longer spoke to Ella and Massey, and I wasn't ready to see Massey dating my best friend. They only lasted a month, as most relationships between two 15 olds do.

What about my new school, and the new city?

My diary's cut off right around when I found my circle of people. Don't get me wrong, there was nothing bad about the circle of friends I had when I first moved (except maybe Nat, I'll get into that if anyone wants to hear that drama), but I found a small group of outcasts just like me, except not like me at all. We were all misfits in our own ways, and we all clung to each other for safety in high school. I graduated almost 3 years ago now, and I'm still friends with a few of them!! Whilst I stopped hanging out with Christian and Peter's group, I remained in touch, and last month I went to Christian's 21st, which was a weird little reunion of sorts as I hadn't seen him since highschool. He's still as chaotic as ever.

Mother.
As you all know, I had a really bad relationship with my mother. I know some of you thought I should try harder to connect with her, and some of you thought I was justified in my distrust in her, and I'm sad to say the latter is correct. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother since 2018, and she has made no active effort to contact or enter mine or my sister's life. She doesn't speak to any of her family anymore, and last we heard, she is living in a crack house, and is unfortunately following a life of drugs and crime. I wish I was lying about that, because having my mother choose drugs over me really hurt, and I'm still healing from the damage it's caused me.

Dad.
I hate admitting this, but 13 year old me was an unreliable narrator. You read these journal entries through my lens, and for that reason you saw an unfair portrayal of my father. Yes, he was abusive, and no, I don't want to sound like I'm downplaying the harm he caused to me, but he was never physical towards me in any way. I felt like to justify the harm he caused me mentally, I had to turn those words into physical acts against me to be taken seriously. I won't get into the nuances, but I'm sorry for lying to you all. My dad and I had a rocky relationship all throughout my teenage years, however earlier this year I moved out, and being in separate living environments has really allowed us to heal and improve our relationship, and now I'd say we are closer than ever.

Speaking of moving out, yeah! I moved out. I now live in a nice little flat by the beach (still in the same area as where I initially moved with my dad and sister), with my partner and a mutual friend of ours. My partner and I have been together for almost two years, and he's the bestest friend I could ask for. He's stood beside me as I have battled my mental health struggles, as well as many other struggles, and I hope he stays by my side to help me face whatever comes next.

Speaking of my mental health, I'm sad to say that my early teenage depression that I vented about on wattpad carried throughout the entirety of my teenage life. I struggled with self harm and body issues all through highschool, and upon graduating high school and starting university in 2020, the lockdowns and the whole covid situation made my mental health worse and I unfortunately sought comfort in alcohol, and drug abuse (thankfully nothing too heavy, more just prescription opioids than stuff like crack or heroin). Early 2021 at age 19 I finally reached a breaking point, and got professional help. I started being medicated for my depression, and overall started to get better. In late 2021 I was tapered off my medication, and now, in 2022, I can say I am no longer on medication or relying on substance abuse to be happy, and I have been clean from self harm for almost a year. Moving out and finding my own independence have been big contributors for that positive change in my life.

My pets?
Maisey (my cat) passed away late 2021, due to cancer at age 18(?). I say 18 with a question mark, as because she was a rescue, we don't know her exact age, however, she was at the youngest 18. She lived a long life, and I miss her so much.
Lola (my parrot) is still alive and well, still annoying as hell, but forever the love of my life. That bird is a terror, but I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.

I'm not sure what else there is to update, but if you have any questions, literally any at all (whether that be about my life now, friends I had, or anything), please ask, as I am slightly self absorbed and love talking about myself.

Thank you for everyone, past and present, who listened to me, read my woes, and took the time out of your lives to invest in mine. Marcus, Penny, Nour and Josh, although you no longer use wattpad and your accounts remain either inactive or deleted, I will never forget your friendship, or our little kik messenger chat room, where we would just talk about anything and everything. I'll never forget you guys, and I'll never be able to thank you enough for being there for me when I needed you.