Rookie Playing For Keeps #Wattys2015 #NewAdult

Chapter 6 Part 2

***Warning: This chapter is about pregnancy loss. You will be able to read the rest of the story without reading this part if you are struggling with this yourself***

June 2013

            Abby shared her happy news a couple of months ago, shortly after Jackson and I returned from our honeymoon. I had already witnessed the excitement of her engagement, but nothing could top the joy on her face the day she told me she was going to be a mother.

            She and Kyle hadn't planned on having a baby so soon. Kyle had just confirmed that he would be taking the job that would move them across the country in a few months, and Abby was still finishing up her last semester of college. It didn't matter to either of them—they wanted this baby so badly you would think they had been trying for years. I guess you can't always predict the most wonderful things in life, any more than you can predict the most terrible.     

            My phone rings early Monday morning and Abby's smiling face, a picture of her taken shortly after we first met, flashes across the screen. "Hey, Abby. What's up?" I roll over onto my back and get comfortable in the bed. Jackson chuckles beside me, always amused at how enmeshed our friendship is. Any time either of us needs to talk, we are there for each other, no matter what time of the morning it is.

            I hear a sob on the end of the line and sit straight up. "Abby? Abby? What's going on? Are you okay?" I turn my face to Jackson who also sits up, hooking his arm around his knee and looking at me intently, waiting for some clue about what is the matter.

            "There's no heartbeat, Maddy. I had a little spotting, but I read that was normal." Another sob rips through the line and it feels like I've been kicked in the stomach.

            "I'm coming. Where are you?" I scramble from the bed, sifting through the clothes that were thrown on the floor last night. I'm trying to find my shoes, not even realizing I'm still only wearing Jackson's t-shirt. His warm hand wraps around my wrist and he pulls me into his chest. Tears fall from my face and slide down his warm skin.

            After another moment, Abby collects herself enough to answer me. "I'm in the car now. There's nothing they can do. I'm going home and I guess they want me to let nature take its course. They gave me some medication to help with the pain, but I don't think it's going to help my heart."

            "I'm coming over. I'll be there as soon as I can."

            "Please hurry." The line goes dead and a surge of grief hits me so hard my legs go weak. I hold on tight to Jackson and explain what Abby has said, and he rocks me and presses gentle kisses to the top of my head until I regain my composure and am able to step away. Our eyes lock, but nothing more is said, both of us knowing that this situation is too big for words. He tugs me into the bathroom and turns on the shower, carefully helping me remove his t-shirt and step beneath the hot spray.

            When I emerge from the bathroom I find he has stacked my favorite yoga pants and my oversized school t-shirt, along with my underwear and a bra, on the bed. He sits in silence at the edge of the mattress, waiting for me to say something as I get dressed.

            "I'll drive you over." His deep voice is hoarse with emotion. I nod my head as I pull on my yoga pants.

I sit next to him as I slip my feet inside my shoes. "Jackson, what am I going to say when I see her? There's nothing I can offer that will make this any better." He puts his warm palm over my knee.

"It won't matter what you say. She'll feel better just because you're there. It will be enough." His hand lightly wraps around my head and he pulls my temple to his lips.

            The ride over is quiet and I'm surprised when Jackson parks the car. "I want to see how Kyle is doing," he whispers as he walks me to the door. It's a red faced Kyle that greets us, the sadness apparent on his face.

"I'm so sorry," I manage hoarsely, and wrap my arms around him. He hugs me back, a good solid embrace that expresses his appreciation.

            "She's in the bedroom," he says, wiping his face quickly and stepping aside so I can move past him. I don't wait to see what Jackson is going to do. All I can think about is my friend and her loss.

            Abby is strong, but even the strongest women are broken by the news she was given. I find her curled up on the bed in the complete silence of a room filled with grief. A monumental pile of tissues surrounds her, but I push my way through them and spoon myself around her back, pulling her to me and holding her as her sobs begin anew.

            When she finally stops crying, the air around us is warm with the afternoon heat and all the tissues in the room have been used. I roll onto my back and listen to the muted sound of Kyle and Jackson talking in the living room. Abby rolls onto her back, as well, and we stare up to the ceiling as if an explanation for this horrible news is going to appear. Instead there's a timid knock at the door before Kyle enters with a glass of water and a small pill.

            Abby sits up and takes the pill, washing it down with the water. Kyle sits at the edge of the bed beside his wife, tucking her hair behind her ear before leaning forward and kissing her forehead. "I hate that you have to go through this part. You'd think after all these years they would have figured out a better way."

            "It's better I go through it. It makes it a little more real." I am in awe of her bravery. She lies back down and he pulls the blanket up around her.

            "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing," he confesses in a whisper, a tear falling down his cheek.

            "I'll be okay. I just want to lie here." She smiles at him, but it doesn't fool either of us. She's hurting something fierce. "Go talk to Jackson, so I can keep his wife." She winks at him before swiping her thumb across his cheek, brushing away the tear. He nods and then leaves the room.

            She reaches for my hand and squeezes it hard. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, either," she says, "but it feels a little better just lying here with you and knowing Jackson is looking after Kyle. I don't think I could do that right now. Does that make me a horrible wife? I can't make it feel better for myself, so how could I make it better for him?" Tears roll down her face into her hair as she stares up at the ceiling.

            "It doesn't make you a horrible wife, Abby. I don't think any of us know how to get through this." I hold her hand and hope it makes her feel less alone.

            "Thank you for being here, Maddy." 

*****May is Maternal Mental Health Month. If you are struggling with pregnancy loss, or anxiety/depression during or after pregnancy—please get help. Visit your local chapter of Postpartum Support International. You are not alone!