perception

Assimilation

When will I have my day in the sun?

When  can I be normal?
When  can I be fun?

When can I be just one of the guys?
Instead of having a million whys?

Sometimes my focus is so strong.
I shut out the world and just listen to a song,
and that is where I feel like I belong.
I'm in solitary confinement,
inside of my mind.
Other times i cant focus on the common things,
in a conversation.
From the softest ping,
I would leave formation.
For it hurts like a sting.

a waft of air,
from the slightest vibration,

can induce a deep fear.
a change in temperature,

a simple twitch in their face,

and I feel like I have committed a disgrace.


a change in their tone.
my mind goes to outer space,
I feel its down in my bones.
They live on earth.
but i live in the phantom zone
I know myself, i know my worth.
I feel different, but also the same.

Some people listen to words.
I see past the picture frame.
I'm not saying I'm special
I am not asking for a reward.
I'm just saying I'm different,

I often try to relate by sharing,

A chord,

An action oh so daring.

Their silence echoes, I can tell they are bored.

an experience,

a memory

but it is taken the wrong way.

So I try to keep the tide at bay.

so I shut out,

I shut in.


the words want to erupt, but I close my mouth.

I crumple the page and throw it in the bin.

But then i wonder if that is a sin.

Some like coffee,
Some like Tea,

Some like a variety.
I play my tune for those who will listen,
For those who look past the exterior,
to see what really glistens,
in the interior,
some take advantage,
while others try to help me shine,
I heave learned work arounds to help me manage.
But do not throw your pearls before swine.

The awkward silence is normal to me.
When I am in a conversation, 

a point someone made 10 minutes ago,

I am still in contemplation, deliberation, Fixation.
So when I speak it brings frustration.
Because that point is already gone,
and then I feel a sensation of shame,
of pain.
And I go back to the false sense of security in my brain.
Then I overthink,
about the situation,
and then I am scared,
of migration,
or alienation,
I feel like a mutation,
But i am not professor X,
I sit and contemplate what is next.
so I try sedation,
to resist the temptation

to speak,

to not cut others across.

So instead I internalize and shriek.

I am not looking for attention

I am just looking for my tribe

when people think I am asking for an ovation

I just want to be a face in the crowd.

They judge me based on their perception.

They wont see what's hidden behind the shroud.

They hear me speak and assume.

They spread their poison,

for the world to consume.

But I do not drink.

They think they know my tune.

But I am not a rock I wont sink.

I may be proficient in one,

but in other things my score would be none.

I am good at conversation at times.

But social cues i tend to miss.

When i hear loud  or many voices.

my mind goes to the abyss.

and the darkness stares back.

But not for long.

Because I hear my sound track.

As in life all emotions no matter how strong.

like a friend turned enemy, a broken trust.

All experiences no matter how wrong

Fade to dust

like the end of a song