Choosing Me

Leaving

"Is he gone?" "I don't know yet, let me make sure, I am going to check his location." "Okay, let me know and I'll text everyone when it is safe to come over." "Yeah he has pulled out of the neighborhood, but give it 15 because sometimes he circles back." "Okay, are you doing okay?" "Yeah I am fine."

I sat there on the couch. I stared at the wall, waiting. I felt like I was going to throw up. Was I really doing this? Am I really leaving like this? Am I crazy? Maybe he isn't abusive. Maybe I made it up. Maybe I imagined it all. I was in a complete fog. I could not move, my stomach was doing flips. I checked my notes again and read over the bulletpoints I made to keep reminding myself that these things were true. It wasn't in my head, and I was doing the right thing. I tried to remember the breathing my therapist told me to do. My life was about to change, and I was scared shitless. I didn't know where I was going to live after this. I didn't know what was going to happen. All I knew was that I am taking my dogs and I am leaving.

I am not a good actress, and this past month, he knew something was off. He kept asking me what was wrong, I told him I was just stressed about all the weddings I had and that mostly worked. But I couldn't even look him in the eye anymore. We had just celebrated our four year wedding anniversary, and about 6 days later I was running away and never looking back. I bought a storage unit for now, the only thing I cared about was my cameras, my hard drives, and my dogs. Everything else didn't matter. That could be replaced.

I winced, I remembered the time we were in a fight. I was in my office. He opens the door "Hey, how much debt are you in right now?" He demanded at me. "I don't know exactly, with COVID I had to put some bills on my credit card, I plan to have it paid off this year." I replied, trying to breathe. I know where this goes. I know where it goes everytime we talk about this. "Why the fuck did you even get your degree? Seriously Paigei, why the fuck do you even have this business? You would be making so much more money doing what you went to school for. This is the reason you're always in debt. I am sick of your shit. That's fucking it. I am selling your stupid cameras and you can say goodbye to this". I couldn't breathe. My throat closed. I was frozen. But he moved towards my camera bag, "I am selling your cameras, you can get a real fucking job." I cried no, I barely got to my cameras before he did. I was clutching my bag in the fetal position holding them so tightly. I could barely see past the tears. All I saw was him towering over me, using all his strength to pull the straps out from under me. He kept screaming, I couldn't hear a word. All I could mutter was "please stop" "Let them go" "It's all I have". We stayed in this pulling fight for what felt like forever. And he just looked at me and said "You're such a big baby, I am so tired of your fucking crying". He dropped the camera strap, turned off the light to my office and shut the door behind him. I just lied there and held my bags and cried for hours. He never came back to apologize but I was locked out of our bedroom for the night. I am so glad I bought that daybed, I slept there more times than I could remember now.

"He made it to the back gate, we can start."

In a rush, people were over, I turned on some music. I tried to keep it lighthearted. But I was struggling. Waiting for him to barge into the house. I was packing my office stuff, and some of the family trinkets I had. He made me get rid of so much, I wasn't allowed to keep memories if they couldnt fit in a 10 gallon storage container. My life was minimized to fit into a box. Luckily there weren't any pictures on the wall. I wasn't allowed to hang them up anyways. We had all my stuff loaded on the trailer within an hour. I did one final walk-through of the house. To make sure I got what I needed. I left him basically everything except some of my favorite kitchen items, and my office stuff. I remember the day we bought this house. I loved this house. I remodeled this house and put my money, sweat, and tears in here. But it was never a home. I wasn't safe here. I knew this was going to be my last time stepping foot in my house.