THE 33 KEYS: Key 2 - ANSWER THE CALL "Listen for that Perfect Beat"

CHAPTER 51: BIG FAT ZERO

I head straight for the roof as soon as I get home. It's locked. Still, I tug on the padlock hard to make sure. But it doesn't budge. A dull pain pulsates at the back of my head, right between the ears. I hold on to the area with both hands and slump to the floor near tears.

"Mother, I need you," I say, in a low even tone at first then start screaming it over and over. As usual, she never shows when I need her to. I stand enraged, tearing my clothes off. A big fat zero! That's what I am and have always been to you, right? I kick my bag and clothes down the steps until we're all standing in the hallway together.

"Mother, come! I need you!" I scream again.

My screams are followed by trampling feet that race back and forth out of control. Then I stop suddenly as if I hear her coming and run into the washroom to check my face, to make sure it's pretty enough.

"Ugly!"

My mind tells me to scrub away at my makeup with dry hands. I yank them back in time.

"Ugly! Ugly! Ugly!" I rush back out then start banging on my own door. "Mary, let me in!"

It takes me a while to realise that I am Mary. When I finally snap out of it, I dip into my bag for the keys. Now my underwear comes off. I'm as free as a bird. I look at my nakedness in the mirror. Ruby does too but she doesn't squirm the way Pete sometimes had. Pete, sweet Pete! I left him there at the mercy of that witch. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I had read too much into it, blew things out of proportion. Maybe he still loves me. I'm going to call him. Right now, Mary! Call him before she finishes casting her filthy spell over him. I rummage through my bag for the phone.

Dammit! Should I charge it first then call? God knows I need to get into a better frame of mind. No! I'll call first then calm down with a nice long bath. That always does it for me. The decision is final. I open Facebook with my fake account and prepare my mind for the call. What am I going to say? What is there to say? That bitch stole you! You're mine! And I want you back! Sounds pretty good to me. Let's do it! But before I can make the call, a picture screams at me to back the hell off. It is of her in a white gown and him in a black suit. Their love sealed with a kiss; forever.

Forgetting my own rule, I click angry and pelt the phone across the room. It connects with the dingy wooden door then falls to the floor. I am almost afraid to look. But when I do the battery has fallen out and the screen is rocking a mosaic. I put the phone back together. It refuses to come on. I almost pelt it again then stop myself. What if it's something that can fix and I make the situation even worse?

I put it on the dresser next to Ruby, who seems to be going about her business undeterred. Could be she's starting to get used to my antics. I take a flake out of the bottle and stop. What am I doing feeding a fish on a Thursday night? Is this the fullness of my existence? I release the flake anyway then pop a few pills. When I wake again, it's Friday night and the place is silent. Not even Father Paul's cemetery can compete.

Most of the students usually leave by six every Friday. So it's just Tessa and me. Or maybe just me, unless I really did dream Tessa lock her door around eight. Either way, her new shampoo still lingers in the air two hours later. So it's just the enticing scent of her shampoo and me. Dare I do it? Should I throw caution to the wind and exhale?

I stroll back to my mirror for approval, wondering how the hell I got back into these unbearable denim clothes. And why is this makeup still on? I tear the clothes off my body and stand looking. Nothing has changed. I am still the same woman with battered skin. Only my face is smooth and beautiful. I stare at it in anger. This isn't the real me. I tug on my face in a fierce attempt to scrub it off but it won't budge. So I dip into the bowl for some detergent and head to the bathroom.

The water and soap powder chase the grey muck down the drain until it is no more. I stand for a while and let it beat down on me. Then I stoop, clasp my knees and cry a river. When I feel like I am totally cleansed, I open the door and step out. The three large mirrors confront me with the truth I've been hiding for twenty-two years. And for the first time, I stare at the real me and refuse to look away. This is who you are Mary Pethiel. Not the woman who always tries to fit in. This piece of abstract art is the real you.

Why would you ever expect anyone to choose this over a masterpiece like Desiree? Admit it. You're nothing compared to her. You're nothing compared to anything truly beautiful. And you don't belong anywhere. Nowhere! Certainly not here on this top floor with people whose lives are well planned out; people who everybody wants. I sigh, push open my door and grab my diary in defeat. It's all right, Mary. Everything has a beginning and an end. Now exhale and cleanse your soul.