Stay Stay Stay ||Choi Yeonjun||

01

Buzz..

And another email notification rings in. I ignore it and focus back on my plate of food. I swear my boss is hellbent on making my life a living hell. I want to enjoy but instead, I just end up picking on the pasta. If Jake noticed then he didn't speak up.

Do you remember the feeling right before sitting for a test? That anxiety that slowly crawls up your throat, a slightly nauseous feeling as if something is trying to escape from inside you and you're holding it back, even though you hate to keep it inside you. A sickening fear blooms as you realize you have spent endless hours preparing for this moment, yet all you can feel is unsettled and unprepared. You stare unseeing as you realize, there could be chances of good outcomes but the bad outcomes overwhelm the slight hope you have.

That is exactly how I feel sitting in front of Jake right now. Under the dim lights of the restaurant, I feel like I am a student again going for the biggest examination in my life. I don't remember the exact time when I realized I was in love with my high school best friend. I was in the middle of it when I knew. But soon I realized it was a curse. Loving a random stranger is far better than loving a person whom you know better than yourself.

All these years of holding back my feelings and thoughts was... suffocating to say the least. How do you say it out loud to your friend without being paralyzed by the fear of losing him? Maybe I'll finally find the answer tonight. Still, the fear chokes me and my hands get clammy at the mere idea. I get up to excuse myself and go to hide in the restroom.

In there, I almost lean against the sink gripping it to stay standing. I take out my phone and see a long string of emails regarding some new project which was shifted to me. Wait, wasn't this the one Dawon was whining about? The old, whacky design? I ignore it, that old buffalo could wait.

I try to dry my clammy hands once and then re do my lip gloss. I look in the mirror and the reflection feels like mockery. Did I ever stand a chance against the girls Jake dated? The ones who looked perfect, almost like glass dolls, with excellent education and tech jobs, who seemed so in sync with whatever new technology Jake was obsessing over. While I couldn't get into science even if I wanted to, my interests lay in art and design.

When I return, Jake has already paid and was standing holding our coats on his arm. He extends his palm for me to grab on and we leave the place hand-in-hand. The autumn air was chilly nipping at our faces and Jake's hand was cold against mine. We walk around and soon enter a park nearby. The yellow and orange leaves swirl with the winds.

I think if not now, then when.

"Jakie,.. I wanted to tell you something. "

I don't wait, I plunge into my confession.

"I love you Jakie.. more than just a friend. You're so kind, caring and understanding. All these years and so many memories we have created. I can't help but fall for you over and over. I don't expect anything from you. I.. just needed to tell you. "

All the while Jake avoids looking at me. Looking back, I should have seen the signs. Don't know how I was this blind. The sad looks Hana and Jaehan gave me when I told them I would confess, how Jake ignored me a few times. How they posted pics together of outings. Without me.

"Rinnie,... I called you today for a reason. I'm leaving Rinnie, to the States. I am being sent there to supervise the new unit that was being set up. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow."

The chill in the air suddenly seems to materialize and bloom right in my heart. The street light seems to dim and my throat hurts from trying to stop the sobs from escaping. This is nothing but the cold feeling of loss and dread. It hurts,... Everywhere.