i imagine drowning is really painful because first you slip under the surface after trying your best to stay above the water. then you're exhausted but still struggling to hold your breath, thinking maybe you can get back up above the waves. then out of reflex you gasp for air. only there's no air to gasp for. you're too deep down. so you get stuck with water in your lungs and you sink. and unless someone notices and/or cares enough to help you, you're a goner. unless someone can catch you and pull you back to the surface, you can't come back from it.
ive learned that it's also possible to drown in things other than water. you can drown in lack of motivation, in homework, in depression, in anxiety, in intrusive thoughts. it seems to me that all of these things tend to happen to me at one time. and maybe i'm just too good at hiding it or maybe i'm too stubborn to admit that i'm struggling. but it's so fucking hard to ignore the thought that maybe no one in my life notices because they don't care enough. and then i think maybe they do notice and choose to look the other way because i'm just not important enough. maybe they're right. or i could possibly be dramatic and im actually ok. or what if everybody goes through what i'm experiencing and im just too weak to handle it.
i don't know where i was going with this because i got lost in writing what my brain was thinking.
but maybe that's the point. and maybe i know a thing or two about drowning.
