Looking to fix a shattered Life

Jon and the $349 Toaster

"I made him eat", Eddie yelled over to Patrick leaning against the passenger door of the Range Rover.

Patrick gave a small nod in his direction and then turned to watch as Kevin slowly walked over to where he was standing. Kevin stopped and checked the pockets of his coat, coming up empty. He then ran his hand through the front and back openings in his jeans, pulling out a small slip of paper.

"Found it", Kevin said to Patrick who pursed his lips tightly together and gave him a slight up and down head shake in recognition. "It's my dry cleaning slip over on Carlton just past the intersection."

Patrick pulled the passenger door open. "Get in. I'll drive."

Kevin climbed into his seat and buckled the belt, adjusting his leg room with a tap of a switch. He watched Patrick start the ignition and angle the car into traffic. They were traveling at a good pace. Kevin looked out the widow at the passing scenery, wanting desperately to say something but absolutely clueless as to what to open with. Several blocks into their excursion and the silence was becoming unbearable. He glanced over to Patrick, concentrating on the road, the other cars, bicycle riders on the edge in their lane, undisturbed by the lack of any conversation. Kevin nervously played with the slip of paper in his hand twisting it back and forth, a crinkling noise that Patrick ignored. Kevin broke first.

"Please say something, anything. I am at a loss as to how to even begin a conversation about the last time we were together."

There was no response from Patrick for another block. Stopping for a red light, Patrick ran his index finger over his lower lip repeatedly, studying the cars going through the intersection. He slowly ran a hand through his hair and finally turned his head towards Kevin.

" I am putting so much careful thought into my words right now. If I am going to be completely honest with you, I would want to say something that would hurt you. I want to take those nine months of being alone, not seeing you, not talking to you and not being together and taking all that anger and saying something that cuts you right to the bone. Can you understand that?"

Kevin gave him a weak nod. He was dreading what was about to be confirmed by Patrick, about leaving him that night, about making the right decision to go to Richie.

"I've replayed that whole night so many times in my head, what you were trying to say and what I was refusing to hear", Patrick finally answered.   " I think it was more about you giving me the time, space, opportunity to catch up to where you already were. That night I probably gave you every indication that I was confused, unsure of us, not trusting you or believing this wasn't what I truly wanted. I was scared and kept compounding that fear into a rejection of us which it was not. I was so afraid of doubting myself."

"Patrick, you were so agitated about everything that day; the party, the Grindr app, the peanut butter, the missing shoe. You were leaving me and our apartment even before you stepped in it that morning", Kevin countered.

"I said those things that night so if you, you wanted or needed to have a proper resolve on your feelings for Richie, that you could discuss it with me in an open and honest way so you didn't feel like you had to lie or be dishonest and have that between us."

The car came to a stop in front of the dry cleaners and Kevin hopped out. Patrick leaned back into the seat and relaxed his shoulders which had been tight like in a vice since he drove away from the diner. Nine months of hurt feelings, anger, sadness and guilt were slowly dissipating from his body. He was happy that Kevin was here, back in his life, looking better this morning than he has in weeks and they were able to speak to each other honestly about the events of that night. Patrick was hopeful but cautious. He didn't want to push too much, this fragile connection that was being forged under the weight of all the pain they had caused each other. Kevin returned with his shirts and placed them on the back seat of the car.