jonghyuns final curtain

April 4 th 2016

This had been the final day of Jonghyun's staint as host of his late night Blue Night radio show from midnight till 2 am in the morning. Minho who was one of his members came to the show to not only visit him but to pick him up and take him home. Copious amounts of tears had ran down his handsome features that early morning as he said his final farewells to both staff and his listeners. All his gifts and mail was collected and sent on to him but long after he'd been left at home the tears fell and refused to stop until exhaustion finally sent Jonghyun to sleep. In the months that followed right up to their shineeworld V concert he was plagued by insomnia, anxiety and constant nightmares.

Now this very night the final night of their tour Jonghyun stood centre stage his microphone held between his hands as he swayed to the music as it was coming to a close. They'd chosen An Encore as the final song of the night and as he stood there he stared out at the sea of shawols who'd sang along with them throughout the entire evening. None around him knew it but he was memorizing them or as much as he could of them. This was his final concert as shinee's lead vocalist his final obligation to his fans but most of all to his members. To the boys he called brothers and family since the day the met, lived, trained debuted and worked together. 13 years passed in but the blink of an eye. 3 years as trainees before finally debuting an 9 years together as a unit. He'd already fulfilled his obligations to his radio show blue night family now his obligations here were complete.

Though he put on a happy teary eyed smiling face for everyone backstage especially for his members it belied the truth of what he was truly feeling and going through. Eventually they all went back to the hotel to recover and make preparations to return home to korea from japan. Upon the return home they all went their separate ways and each returned to their own homes. Jonghyun feeling more and more alone and withdrawn from things. He knew that all the things that had once saved him and comforted him throughout these long years no longer did so. His mother, sister and of course his beloved dog roo and last but not least his members.

These had been the things that gave him solace, comfort, breathing space. Now these things no longer gave him that so he'd begun a year and a half before the preparations he felt he'd needed to. He'd stepped down as blue nights radio host a job he'd loved. He'd ended his obligation to his members and shawols for ShineeWorld and now all he had left was his very first and final solo concert and he would have no more obligations to anyone but himself. Now as he sat home alone he was left with his anxiety and depression in full swing and his dark thoughts even as he prepared for his only concert. all his darkest feelings of pain an suffering his inability to live as he should to breathe as he should, to be happy was a constant thing pressing and weighing him down. As the days passed and he met friends, family, co workers, his members he put on a happy face. A joyous face whatever he needed to do so those around him were happy and didn't know the truth even when he was asked how he was he would say he was fine.

Jonghyun begun living his life to the fullest as if it were his last. In the day he was his usual self. Laughing, joking, smiling, playful self. The Jonghyun everyone knew him to be but at night his nightmares were what plagued him. Scented candles once helped him at those times when he'd play his favourite music while in a hot bath with his favourite scented candles lit. But now even those things didn't work. Nothing did. Not the countless doctors he's sought out to help, not his agency. Not one thing could help him. Only his nightmares and dark thoughts existed. There were times when his members or family knew something was wrong but he'd brush it off with his laughter and smile saying he was ok. As preparations for his only concert came closer he gave his family his beloved dog roo to raise for him which made him feel even more lonely that he was. He knew he was cutting ties now with everyone slowly but surely. Severing his connections one by one.