If My Heartbreak Was A Book

chapter 3

Everyone tells me do not make home out of a person, and so I never did but when you looked at me and I felt safe I could not stop myself, you were my home and I never felt so safe but sadly enough you didn't protect my heart and neither did i, I think deep down we could of work if we had really tried but we did not, I am not girl you love and I have to be okay with that but how can I be okay when my heart belongs to you, I never meant to fall in love, I never meant to care so much, but when my eyes met yours, I knew from the start that I was in trouble. Sometimes I don't understand why so many choose to break your heart, I don't understand why they wanted to play with you, you are so sweet and caring, I don't get why some kept hurting you over and over, there is a lot you did not deserve yet there it was playing with you as if you were a game but you are not. I do not regret meeting you nor do I regret loving you, but I do wish I would of not, but meeting you or loving you was a time I truly felt happy, it's funny if you think about it, you were everything I wished for when I was younger, how could I be so dumb and open up so quick, but I wasn't just attached mentally but physically too, I do not like sex, I do not go and seek it, for me to even have sex, I need to feel safe and with you I felt as if you were the one and so I let you touch my body and I did things to keep you pleased, now I feel as if I was not enough to keep you happy, now I wish maybe I was more, skinny, pretty, maybe I should of been more funny? More girly? Now as I sit here finding new things to judge about myself, I remember you never once hated on my body, you kissed my scars, you made me fall in love with myself, why am I so quick go change on that since you had left? Why am I causing more scars over scars over a boy, I do not hate our time we had but I do not wish to feel this pain, I hate feeling weak specifically hate that aching feeling in my heart, if I were to see you once again, would you even say hi? Would you miss the time we shared? Or would you walk away and be a Stanger that knows my secrets? There is so much that runs through my mind and so much I wish I could say to you but I know I cannot So I will sit here in silence and will let my heart sink, I will not reach out to you no matter bad I may want too I will live on with my life, I do see myself with someone new but I will try if that will cause the pain to fade because I do not wish to cry and I do not wish to scream, the no sleep and no eat is not good for me yes I know but I will do anything to not have that numbing feeling. If I had to describe heartbreak it would be like I was drowning begging for air as the water filled my lungs as I sink down and everything around turn pitch black as I see the light fading away.