I Greet The Sun And Ask Have I Already Died? | matchablossom

I Greet The Sun And Ask Have I Already Died?

The second Kaoru woke up, he immediately wanted to go back to sleep again. It was going to be a long and frustrating day.

He didn't feel right. Or was it that nothing else felt right? Something wasn't right and it was pissing him off. His brain could've at least let him have a cup of coffee before it decided to start fucking with him.

Everything felt fake, including himself. The entire room he was in wasn't real. It was just a bunch of shapes. His own hand felt like it belonged to a stranger. He wanted to cry.

Reluctantly dragging himself out of bed and into the bathroom, he saw a person in the mirror staring back at him. Logically, he knew it was his own reflection. But, logic was nowhere to be found that morning, so his brain was struggling to make that connection.

He thought he might as well attempt to make himself look somewhat presentable and decided to tie his hair in a bun. Easy. He'd done this a thousand times. It was basically muscle memory at this point. His hands disagreed. They wouldn't stop shaking and he couldn't seem to control them the way he usually could. He was going to have to cancel all his plans for the day, there was no way he was going to be able to work in this state.

After shakily asking for Carla to cancel his appointments for the day, he hazily made his way into the kitchen. He was going to have a cup of coffee if it fucking killed him. Only problem was, his brain reminded him unhelpfully, everything was fake. Everything was a cardboard prop. It was like he was living on a damn television set. Were people watching him? Was his life actually his own? All he wanted was his damn coffee.

Sensing that he was starting to have a panic attack, Carla sent a message to Kojiro suggesting that he come over and check on her master and that if his vitals continued to worsen, she would get in touch with the hospital. Luckily, Kojiro had the day off and started making his way over the second he got Carla's message.

Meanwhile, Kaoru was sitting on his kitchen floor, desperately trying not to think of the possibility of his entire life being a lie and trying to make his hands feel like they belonged to him. Could he continue to do calligraphy after this? Would he ever feel normal again? His thoughts continued to spiral so far that he completely missed the sound of Kojiro letting himself in and calling out his name.

The whole drive over, Kojiro had tried to keep himself calm. Panic attacks weren't uncommon for Kaoru, and he knew that he would be fine. He always was in the end. It was just such a difficult thing to witness from an outsider's perspective, being so limited in ways of soothing him. Sometimes all he could do was sit and wait for it all to pass, let Kaoru cry until he fell asleep and got a well needed nap for a few hours.

"Kaoru?" Kojiro called out, gingerly inviting himself in to his boyfriend's home.

He wandered through the house until he found his lover curled up on the floor in tears, staring at his hands.

"Hey," Kojiro spoke quietly but clearly, not wanting to frighten him but also wanting to attract his attention. It worked. Kaoru's head whipped up to look at him, a paranoid look in his eye.

Kojiro sat down next to him and held out his hand. "Can I touch you?"

Kaoru looked at his hand before looking down at his own again. He nodded slightly and reached out to place his hand in Kojiro's.

Over the years, the two had developed a system that usually helped to ground Kaoru when he found himself panicking or dissociating. Kojiro would gently squeeze Kaoru's hand in regular pulses until Kaoru started to return them. They would then take turns squeezing until Kaoru's breathing and heart rate started to even out once again.

So, Kojiro started squeezing gently, occasionally rubbing his thumb across his lover's knuckles, patiently waiting for Kaoru's brain to give him a break and relax.

"Do you wanna talk or-" Kojiro began to ask before Kaoru vigorously shook his head, not wanting to confront his fears and paranoia at that moment. "Okay, you don't have to. That's okay."

Kojiro continued to squeeze and rub Kaoru's hand for roughly five minutes. He started to think that maybe he should take him to the hospital, when he felt the tiniest squeeze back.

Shifting his position so that he was lying down and at eye level with his lover, Kojiro squeezed back. There was a brief pause before he received another squeeze. Still pretty weak but getting stronger. Kojiro smiled. Kaoru was going to be okay.

This tender exchange went on until Kaoru stopped crying and his breathing calmed down. They continued to lie on the kitchen floor, facing each other and refusing to let go of each other's hand.

"Feeling better?" Kojiro asked gently, not wanting to disturb their newfound peace.

"A bit. I think. I dunno." Kaoru still felt off. The only thing that was keeping him grounded was the feeling of his lover's warm hand in his own. That was unquestionably real.

"Wanna talk about it?" Kojiro prompted again. He wanted to know what triggered the panic attack and how he could help further.

"Nothing's real. Don't even know if I'm real," Kaoru tried to explain. His brain was still trying to make sense of everything and was exhausted after the panic attack.

"Am I real?" Kojiro questioned, not mockingly but in attempt to understand what was going on in Kaoru's mind.

"Your hand is. Probably means the rest of you is too."

"Thank god for that," Kojiro laughed, trying to lighten the mood. "I was worried for a second there."

"Plot twist, I'm dating a disembodied hand," Kaoru weakly joked back.

"Your life has a plot twist? Where'd you get one of those?"

"Plot twist, the disembodied hand and I are no longer dating."

"Hey!"

Kaoru smiled, a real, genuine smile. It felt good to laugh. Maybe he was real after all. Maybe there was still some hope left for him. And maybe, just maybe, he could persuade Kojiro into making him that cup of coffee.