Summer thoughts

*Waves of anxiety

I hate anxiety. I really do. I'm sitting on the floor, because I can't go out and buy myself stuff without someone coming with me because I'm stressed.
I should probably take my pills. The pills that won't work on me. Because my anxiety is stronger than those pills. They are stronger than me. And I was stupid to think I'm stronger than them. That I was in control. But I never was. Fear controls me.
I'm unable to do basic every day tasks because I stress out.
I feel my throat closing up. If you didn't know, because you have somehow never experienced anxiety before - want to switch? I wouldn't mind really - panic sometimes comes in waves.
Firstly the water just slowly brush up against your feet. Teasing you. Trying you. What can and can't you stand. Not like there is a thing you can take a hit from. The water slowly crawls up... Then it pulls back. Far back.
The first you can never be ready for. It picks you up, then it pushes you down. It grabs you and takes you away from your safe place.
The second wave you FEEL like you're ready for. You experienced it just a moment ago, so it will just wash over you. It mostly does, but you - being the stupid failure that you are - will probably manage to swallow some of the water.
The third wave is big and strong, but you feel like you still have the strength to fight it. Spoiler alert. You don't. It's not as gentle as the first wave, if we could call THAT gentle. It throws you around, pushes you deeper. You don't even feel the ground you stood on anymore, ever so safely a moment ago. You gasp for air but you only get water which gives you more panic. You try to fight, you splash and shout but to no avail. No one is here for you. No one ever was. You just didn't notice.
By the fourth wave you done fighting. You let it push you under water and try to not listen to your survival instinct. You accept defeat and you let it take over.
There is no fifth wave. You are under water. It embraces you, and for a moment it feels okay to feel. It feels free. But not for long. There is no air. You can't breath. You don't want to go up again you want to be done. But maybe not like this.
You start swimming. Getting to the surface feels like an endless journey, and as you go panic takes over again. Questions start to flood your mind.
- What if you can't?
- Can't what? That's such a stupid question, it doesn't even have an ending. It doesn't have a meaning.
- But what if you can't?
- There is no if. You just have to.
- BUT WHAT IF YOU CAN'T? - The voices gets louder.
- There is no time to think about that. - You try to shut it down. It feels like an endless fight. You know it's stupid to worry and your fears might be irrational. But it's still THERE.
You manage to get to the surface. Around you is the endless ocean, with seemingly no land, no safe place for you. The world pushed you out and it doesn't want you back.
You see a tiny island not so far away. Do you have enough strength to swim there? You have to try don't you? You don't want to stay like this forever.
You are out. You are tired and lost. Another problem going to that list.

Breath in,
Breath out.

This land will do for now. Until you find a solution. This is a solid ground right?

Some time passes by

You feel more ready. Powerful

You believe you can take it

Then.....

The first wave comes.