Guilt
Have you ever felt the crippling feeling of guilt before?
I'm not indulging in the kind of guilt that occurs in your heart because you stole an extra cookie from the cookie jar, nor the species that arises when you kiss your best friend's boyfriend.
I'm speaking about the kind that washes over your heart and inhibits your reality, acting as a shameful tint in the perceptiveness in which you take in life.
It apprehends your sense of self-worth and makes you feel more agony than can ever be described with words, for human feeling is always lost in translation; and guilt is a language that only few unfortunate souls understand.
Yet somehow you crave the sensation as you've lost all sense of human emotion, other than the devastating regret for the things you had, or hadn't done.
You find yourself a shipwrecked sailor stranded on a lonely island with no way of escape, no connection.
If this is meant to be our unruly cell intended to pay for our immoralities, it is a damned good one.
We live out these days, self-medicating with whatever tiny distraction we can find, eager to ignore the blur of pitiful gazes cast from pirates far off land.
Hoping one day, well make it off this island.
This is dedicated to you, it's my deepest hope that you'll read this, wherever you are.
I want you to know that I'm sorry, and it hurts me every hour since you've been gone. I spend every second of my being thinking of you, thinking of all the what if's. I wish I could have talked to you once last time, and I wish I could have helped you. This guilt has stained my heart in ways that you couldn't imagine, and I hope you can forgive me for everything that I didn't do for you.
When I started writing this, I had told myself this was my final goodbye, but the truth is I can't let you go, not just yet. I don't know how this story ends, because it doesn't make sense that you aren't in it any more.
This is only the next chapter, S, for both you, and I.
