Unexpected (Ace Frehley)

nothing has changed

I wake up and emediatly cry again. Yeah, why would i not. He was so importand to me and realising he's probaply laying somewhere with his brains blown out, just hurts. Everything changes when someone's dead happens.

I look over the kitchen table. Thirty, fucking, thousand. What the fuck am i gonna do with so much money. I sigh, making myself breakfast.

I went to my shoot and the bank for cash. I wonder the streets of New York waiting for nothing, trying to forget everything that has happened. I want to die again. I know it. For sure. When Ace cheated on me, it just hit like a brick and it still does. I had never suspect such a thing from him, but my eyes don't lie. I come across a homeless person, laying in the cold all alone. I give him 500 dollar. I don't need it anyway. The look on his face makes my heart light up a bit again. How can i complain, i have a roof over my head and a good career. Wich is getting even better.

Three weeks have passed and i'm doing even worse if that's possible. When i'm awake i can only think about dying. I've stopped to cry, but deep inside i just want to have one good cry to finally feel like it's enough. Enough to finally realise i should just do it.

"What can i get for you today?" I put on a fake smile, as some creepy dudes stare at my tits. "Just 4 beer". I nod as i turn away. I just hate this, i miss Jonathan. I make the beer, heading back to their table. I stumble over my own foot dropping four beer on the floor. I shut my eyes. I'm not embarresed. I'm just exhausted. I get some towels and start cleaning and getting new beer. "I'm sorry it took so long". One of them shoots me a smirk. "You can make up for it under the table". What did he just say. "How about you shut up or get the hell out of this bar". I snap at him. He looks embaressed, good. I turn back to the bar to see Tony leaning against it. "Savanna, i want to talk to you afterwards". I nod, a deep feeling forms in my stomach as i know there's a good chance i'm getting fired.

I knock on the door of his office. "Tony, you wanted to talk to me?" "Ah Savanna, sit down". I do as he says, sitting across him. "Am i gonna get fired?" He leans back in his chair, letting out a breathy laugh. "No Savanna". Relieve passes over me. I can't take getting fired at the moment. "Then what is it?" He sighs. "Look Savanna, something is wrong with you, the passed three weeks have been a disaster, you dropped a total of twelve beers and have been rude to our costumers. Now i'm not going to blame you for the weird people. I just want to know what is going on with you. You're special to me and i care about you. Please tell me".
I really don't want to tell him, i have tried to tell Ace and Alexa, but i just can't. Everytime i trie, no words come out. I can't tell him i'm fine, cause he's seen it all, i'll just tell him the basics, so he won't ask any further questions. I swallow the lump in my throat, as i trie spitting out the words. "There's three things. Ace, Jonathan, myself. I struggle with them all. It just keeps getting worse and i can't take it anymore". He passes a sad look and a frown and i take a deep breath. "Tell me about them". "Well. It all started when i met Ace, we got Assey and after i lost her, i fell in a fight with myself and that has lately come back when i caught him cheating and when Jonathan died". I can't even feel the need to cry. I don't feel shit anymore. "Savanna, is there anything i can do to make it better?" "There isn't, i can talk to people but i doesn't give me as much relieve as it used to". He looks away from me, almost like he's trying to remember something. "I'm so sorry for you. When i was your age, i also fought with depression and i want you do to something for me". "But i'm not depressed". "You are. You are. You can't talk to anyone else to make you feel relieved, i had the same. I want you to sit down infront of a mirror and spit all the things out to yourself. It helps. I swear". He stands up walking towards me and pulling me up to my feet. He gives me a hug "just do it. It'll get better". I hug him back. "Thanks Tony".

I walk thro the door, only one thing in my mind. I close the bedroom door behing me and sit down infront of the big mirror in the bedroom, leaning back on the bedrame. Spit it out right. "I want to go back. Not back to when i was with Ace but back to when i was four. When i was happy and didn't care about anything that happened around me. When i had no cleu and it was just me with the world and not against". Tears well up in my eyes and i feel relieve of finally be able to cry. I thought i was numb, but i'm not and i'm glad i'm not. "Maybe if i never met Ace, my life would be better but deep inside i know how much i miss him and i love him more than anything. I would never want to trade even one of the good things. I hate this and i hate how i feel. I want it to all end, but that's not because of Ace. That's because i have a problem with myself. I don't know why it's here and i don't know what to do about it". My voice high pitched as i speak, taking shaky breaths in between. "I wish Jonathan was still here. He was the only person i could speak to and helped me thro some dark times, because of him, i knew what i had to do with myself. He knew me better than i myself". The tears come down like waves, like it's the first time in my life i cry. "What am i doing wrong with myself, that all i can think about is death. All i can say to myself is. I want to fucking die. I want to drive my car into a tree. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. Why is this how i feel. Do i need to lie to myself and say i'm happy to be here. Fake it till you make it. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I feel empty, but what might be the worst of all, is that i feel dead".

Well, i don't think so anymore. It doesn't feel good, but atleast i feel something.