Love Your Brother, I Wish We Weren't

many loves

Izuna has many loves. It is typical of the Uchiha clan to have no room, no space, no limitations in their heart for who they can love. There are many types of loves.

He doesn't know when it changed.

Izuna knows how it feels to love a brother.

His feelings for Madara have not changed. They spar and play and make fun of each other as usual. It is comfortable to stand next to his older brother.

It is how Izuna looks at Hikaku that has changed.

With Madara, their cheerful and sharp banter leads to a full-belly laughter and someone breaking the table and crying from laughing too much. A brother's love that feels kind and warm and to want someone there.

With Hikaku, it puts a knot in Izuna's stomach that drops down further and spreads a pleasant feeling.

One day, he absentmindedly thinks about what Hikaku feels like when Hikaku demonstrates to him how to flip people on their back.

Hikaku has hands that are rough from handling weapons. Gentle, when it comes to handling Izuna and picking him up when Izuna scrapes his knees running.

Dazed, Izuna stares up through his eyelashes and the way the sun shines down on Hikaku changes.

Hikaku has calm black eyes and amber brown hair is tied up into a high ponytail. He tilts his head and his ponytail bobs. "Hmm?" 

His eyes never left them and his soothing voice strikes a cord inside Izuna. His heart is furiously skipping beats against a seed of doubt telling Izuna this is weird.

How can a good feeling be weird?

"Hikaku? I think I love you." It's said with clumsiness and Izuna told Hikaku all the time how he loves them like an older brother.

This time, it doesn't feel that way.

Izuna's face heats up and he waits for Hikaku's answer like he said something terrible. He doesn't know why he is uncomfortable.

"Of course. You are my little brother." Hikaku places a warm hand on Izuna's head and ruffles up his hair. Izuna wants to lean into that touch and keep it there forever. 

Hikaku pulls his hand away.

Sudden disappointment fills up Izuna to the brim and Izuna wants to cry. He doesn't understand it. What is this feeling inside him?

"You shouldn't stay on the ground. It's gross and it has been a month since a house servant swept the courtyard," Hikaku says with a tinge of disgust that clears when he's done speaking. 

Hikaku stands there with a professional air, checking himself over on the head and sides and back and his legs for any injuries he might not have felt.

Izuna readies his breathing from the brief shuffling they had and he zones out watching Hikaku look himself over. Hikaku has a good, firm body, and with his right sleeve burned off, Izuna sees the muscles flex when Hikaku checks his arm.

"I don't think I sustained any injuries. Have you?" Hikaku places a hand on his hip. It's a simple motion that steals more of Izuna's breath.

"R-right..." Izuna shakes his head, confused by the feelings tangled up in his chest. "I wouldn't get hurt from something as light as a spar."

"That's good. I don't want Madara to be upset." Hikaku laughs, sounding like he is chiding himself in place of Izuna. His smile lightens up. "Once he gets cranky like an old man, it takes a day for him to stop marching around the place."

A pit grows in Izuna's stomach and along with it, a deep source of bitterness. "I don't care what Madara thinks."

Where did that come from?

Hikaku gives him an odd look. "I was wondering when you'll feel more rebellious. You're so obedient to Madara, I never thought it'll happen." He shakes his head, smiling.

Hikaku said 'Madara' again.

"I'll be honest. It won't bother me to look after a troublesome little brother." Hikaku gives them a soft head pat that makes the butterflies in Izuna's stomach swarm in disarray.

Izuna swallows a lump in his throat. 'Little brother'. That is true. 

Hikaku had duties that made him work more closely with Madara on clan matters, Hikaku began to stay over at their house and become a part of their family. He was inseparable to their household.

"I guess..." Izuna wants to cry so badly. He doesn't know what the problem is. Why does he want to cry? It is true. Nothing Hikaku said was a lie.

Hikaku's beautiful face shaded by the sun's shadows twists in concern.

"Hey, why do you look sad?" Hikaku blinks, startled, and he reaches out to grasp Izuna's shoulder in comfort.

"Don't touch me!" Izuna slaps their hand away.

"Izuna?" Hikaku recoils and keeps his hand to his chest, more startled than before. He hides a silver of hurt in his eyes.

Izuna gasps for air. He has never done that before. He doesn't recall being this rude and confused. 

"I-I..." He doesn't know what to do and he tries to apologize for his rude manners. Nothing comes out.

Both of them go silent.

"Alright." Hikaku nods solemnly and his face steels. The lighthearted emotions on his face are washed away. Cold. "If you need time to be by yourself, I'll be tending to Madara."

Madara.

Madara, Madara. 

Is that all who Hikaku cares about?

It is a question that Izuna can't ask them, not when Hikaku turns around, and tears drip down from his eyes and if he talks, he might cry. This isn't crying. He can't cry.

If someone saw him like this, they'll think Izuna is a huge mess. 

Izuna doesn't know why it hurts.

Izuna turns on his heels and stomps away, mumbling to himself, and he wants to run home and find his older brother for comfort. 

Madara knows what to do. He knows how to calm them down...

No. Not Madara. Why Madara?

He wants to hear Hikaku ask for him, not for Madara.

Izuna is the top general of the Uchiha, second to Uchiha. How is it that Hikaku can't rely on him for these clan matters? 

Looking at the power hierarchy, Izuna ranks higher than Hikaku does, everyone in the clan will go to Izuna first, because Izuna is a good speaker. 

His physical prowess surpasses Hikaku, if Izuna stops joking around.

Izuna doesn't want to be a little brother. It doesn't make sense that he feels gross. Icky. He is overwhelmed by disgust for himself. 

Isn't this wrong? How can a pleasant feeling turn so sour?

"I want you to look at me," Izuna says to the blossoms opening up on the tree above him. When a wind passes by, the petals rain down faster than snow, turning the courtyard white.

Izuna reaches out to snatch a flower. He opens up his palm.

All there is are scattered petals.

"What should I do?" Izuna crushes the petals in his palm, trying to stop himself from sniffling. He can't cry and it's the first time he sobs so openly. 

He is pathetic on the inside.

"Why do I feel this way?"