Beautiful Lotus Flower

The Decaying Marigold

My decaying Marigold.
She was quiet. I met her in 4th grade and Isabella never let me speak to her. She said she didn't like the Marigold. Back then she was blooming beautifully with some petals still babying themselves. She wasn't fully ready for this grade. All the girls were already blossomed and shedding their old ugly selves. At least that's what they called their pure petals. But this Marigold was ready to be her jewel, her star, herself. Isabella moved to Texas on a Friday and I decided to become friends with the Marigold. Her name was Cynthia. She was the most amazing person that I've met and hanging out with her was nice at school. In ELD, me, Xitlaly, and Cynthia were in a corner of a classroom reading books. Xitlaly started slapping me and it hurt me so bad. I laughed it off and felt that my petals were slightly dying. Was this my loss of hope?
Why didn't Cynthia do anything?
I became friends with her after that and when I brought it up I asked "Hey Cynthia why didn't you do anything that time when Xitlaly slapped me?" And her response was "It was funny." Oh.
Was it really funny?
Am I a joke to you?
Why didn't you help me? I couldn't bare it!
Summers we spent were amazing. It was just us hanging out. My petals started to glow. Wait.
No.
No no no!
I couldn't be falling in love with her I just couldn't. It was wrong. What would she think of me? She already has a boyfriend? Am I really thinking about this right now? Is there something wrong with me?
Her boyfriend called me fake.
She let that happen and say that it was just a joke.
Why is this happening to me?
That whole argument we had over this stupid boy calling me fake even when I knew things about Cynthia that he never could know. Because I was ACTUALLY THERE. Whatever. Eventually, it was resolved.
She told me she liked me.
I liked her back.
Now we don't have to hold back right?
Well yeah. But things with her made me think of the time my purity was taken from my pure petals. The way she touched me was impure. The way I was so needy for her was so impure. I felt so dirty. All I could think about was how awkward it would be. Sometimes the decaying from my petals were growing bigger because of the dirty she created from me. She did these things without my consent. I felt so disgusting. Gosh why can't I say no. Each time we had fun from hanging out, she would say these things like she wanted to self destruct. She said she wanted to overdose. She wanted to die and I couldn't help her. She wouldn't let me. Why was she doing this. Doesn't she know how much it hurt and how much I loved her? Why couldn't she think of people who care for her instead of those who don't?
She unfriended me one day.
I didn't know why but I felt relieved but guilty. What if she did self destruct? What if it was my fault for not helping her? Would she have not unfriended me if I was able to convince her?
STOP.
This wasn't my fault and I know it. Weeks turned into a few months and she texted me, "i love you im sorry." What. Was she going to do it? I started crying. Why why why would you text me this are you serious why. Please stop. I gave her such a stupid excuse saying how so much was happening which was partly true but I couldn't stand being in the relationship any longer. It felt like someone was pulling my legs, forcing me down into a deep sea.
She texted me on how she missed me.
Saying how she was physically ill without me. And how me not being in her life really affected her. She said she knew it was her fault that i broke up and distanced myself from her. I can't bare to ever talk to her again.