Beautiful Lotus Flower.

The Decieving Aconite

What a beautiful purple she was. She looked and seemed so confused on our first day of school. Continuously, she tapped her foot and I seemed to notice. We had this activity called turn and talk, so me and my partner turned around to the Aconite and this girl. Oh wow! She looked so nervous and so pretty. I was developing a tad crush with this Aconite. But that was besides the point. She liked most of the same things that I did! Me and her loved talking to each other after school every single day. We would always eat lunch by ourselves and talk about so much things. She told me how she felt so imperfect but I didn't care about her imperfections. She was perfect to me. She was my friend and none of her imperfections could ever make her less of a friend. Hispanic heritage month. She made new friends and my school was doing an after school party for Hispanic heritage month. Jealousy and being overwhelmed made me lash out on her. Why did I do that? I'm so stupid. We had to fix that problem. So we did. But she said that she wanted to make more friends and that she wouldn't sit at my table at lunch as much. I was okay with that because she is allowed to make friends. That's not up to me. Months went on without her sitting with me or even a conversation on discord. All I ever got to see of her was in advisory. Why were her words so poisonous. Why did I want to hear anything that she said?

After a while, I vented about it. Saying how it made me to barely talk with her. Her name is Sophia/Jay. She asked "Why didn't you tell me about this?" Well I'm afraid to make you think that I'm just jealous and want to keep you all to myself. But that's not what I told her. I told her I was afraid to hurt her feelings. Because I was and I'm always scared to hurt anyone. And I still manage to do it. I asked if we could hangout a bit more and she agreed. Things were going amazing until she started dating Marleni. Marleni wasn't the problem. My attachment to Jay and my feelings were. They were dating and I couldn't bare to see more of the person I liked, loving someone else. It made me sick seeing them holding hands under the lunch tables. I was so envious and mad with myself. This lotus completely rotted. I was all dry and dull. No water to keep me clean and sane. Why did I have to like someone close to me. Months later, Jay started ranting about how she liked a boy but she was lesbian. And that it was her friend so I told her "You should tell him! Maybe he will understand and you both can figure it out!" And deep inside, I knew it was me who she was talking about.

It was me. It was always me and I told her how envious I felt that Marleni told her first. But she said that she just wanted to feel loved and didn't actually like Marleni. What. What about Marleni? Wasn't she hurt? Please tell me I'm not ruining this for them. Will Marleni hate me? What will they think of me? Did I just ruin a relationship? Please tell me I didn't. Please please please. We dated for only a few days until she decided that she was lesbian. I transitioned when we dated but now I'm back to being a girl. But she completely broke it out relationship off. It hurt. I sent myself to the hospital because of it. The day we kissed was the day we ate breakfast together, went to the botanic garden, and slept over at her house. Was this really happening? Couldn't find the will to continue. I just lost her. She is the only one who was there at that time who else will be here now. Please help. I gave her back her things because she asked for them back. And it hurt that she did it immediately. Why was she doing this. That week I came back from the hospital, was the week where my confidence and distancing myself from others began. She asked for a second chance. What the actual fuck? And I was so desperate for her to come back to me. But in the end we just couldn't fix what was too broken. Those were her words. We weren't to broken.

You could have fixed it by apologizing for everything. Each time we had an emotional day, she acted like it never happened the next. She didn't want me in her life anymore. Hurts to see that she still doesn't.

In her world,

I am forever the dead lotus.