In this first chapter I will attempt to messily capture where I am as of starting this book.
TW: CSA (forever tainted and colored)
Walking contradiction
If I strive to be anything in this life it is to be a walking contradiction.
I aim to be a man containing many complexities and opposing forces.
To be childish enough to carry around a stuffed bear and mature enough to leave people feeling understood.
To be open enough to share every passing thought on my mind but private enough to know that my heart is safe.
To be sensitive enough to be deeply affected by the world but strong enough to not be dismantled by it.
In this book I hope to capture and become a man of many multitudes.
Sense of the senseless
I wanted to write my first chapter about hope and beauty but the truth is far away from that.
When I write I intend to capture a moment in time and it seems that they are tainted.
If I am hurting I write about it, if I am elated I write about it, if I am bleak I write about it, if I am overjoyed I write about it.
Things are aching today, so I will write about it.
Forever tainted and colored
I wish more than anything that I thought about other things, I wish I could write about more than my pain and a childhood that aches.
I can't seem to get the memories out of my mind, and once I think I am through it the sense of fear comes trickingling back in again.
I tell myself that I am past it, but I am not, maybe that day will come, but it may not, and it won't be soon.
What kind of person must he be to do that to a child?
I was used, left to dry or blow away in the wind, and I am still haunted by the ways I was kept quiet.
I feel as if everything I do is tainted by what happened. I write about it, I think about it, I dream about it, I live in what happened more than I live anywhere else.
He covered me in ink and everything I touch is colored by it.
Much of it has been said out loud, but much of it will stay between me and those who read what I write.
I rarely say what happened in the way it did, I say he sexually abused me, I say he kept me quiet, but I never say that he raped me and threatened my life.
I adored him, when I was young I told people I would marry him, he saw that innocence and turned it into a fine dust.
YOU ARE READING
Candlelit midnights
PoetryA poetry book written during a darker time in my life, covering topics like addiction and relapse along with happy and romantic moments. Although the original title was different I choose this title to represent how writing was a light in the dark...
