Memoirs of a Broken Mind

The Beginning of Memories and Pain

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of rape and abuse of a minor.

I am a premie when I am born. Hooked up to tubes and yellow from jaundice. I fit in doll clothes and spend the next few months in the hospital. My lungs are underdeveloped and they are not sure  I am going to make it. They pump fat into me to help me grow bigger. Eventually my mom gets to take me home and then take me on my first plane ride to see her family. I am small and for now innocent. I grow and my mom loves to rock me in her wooden rocking chair and sing to me. She loves cycling and puts me in a carrier attached to the bike and takes me for rides. It is a fun and easy time before it all goes to hell in hand basket. 

Memories of the time before the abuse from our father.

Arizona

When we were under the ironing board and mom called our name and we recognized for the first time that the name was ours that she was calling. Age 2.

We wanted cookies and used a chair to climb up to the counter and dropped the jar shaped like a goose with a blue bow and it shattered on the kitchen floor while mom was asleep. We tried to glue and tape it together. Mom found us in the middle of all the broken glass.

We lived in an apartment and the complex had Santa visit and mom wanted us to sit on his lap but he looked scary so we cried and hid in the closet.

Mom had the next door neighbor watch us with some other toddlers a few times. I kept wetting and pooping myself and I thought that I could just change myself if I knew where the diapers were. We slept on a blanket on the kitchen floor for naps. I got up and looked under the kitchen sink for the diapers so I could change myself because I didn't like being soiled, I got in trouble and the neighbor didn't watch me again after that because she was angry I got myself out of bed and into her kitchen cabinets.

There was a solar eclipse in 1990. I was standing on the bed and was playing with toys in the bedroom window above the bed where mom slept. It went pitch black and then became daylight again. I tried to wake mom and tell her what had happened but she was too tired and thought I just imagined it.

Mom tells me we are moving.

We go to California.

 We are three years old when the abuse starts by my father.

We don't remember when it started. It all flows into one. There is no time before that we remember at the time. All we know is it's scary and we don't like it but it is all we know for the next three years until we are five.

TW Graphic descriptions of abuse.

First recollection of abuse although it all runs together really day in and day out.

We innocently are led to the bedroom. Our bedroom down the hall on the right. Mom and dad's bedroom are on the left. We are stripped of our panties.Dad licks and fingers us. We don't know how to process what's happening. He asks us if it feels good and we cry out no. Then he tells us that we are a good girl and taste so good. He repeats this over and over.

He splits our legs open and tries to squeeze himself between them. We are very small and he is very big. It feels like we are being ripped in half and we scream and cry it hurts so bad and then he tries to insert his penis into our small 3 year old vagina and that is a new pain. We scream and scream and cry. He then removes himself and apologizes for hurting us before going back to licking and fingering us and asking us if we feel good.

We just cry and sob. He finishes and tells us not to tell mommy because daddy will be taken away and go to jail and I don't want to hurt the family by that happening.