The Woman that I Owe Everything to

Late February 2022 my grandmother was taken to the hospital. She was unresponsive and the doctor was certain she would not make it. But like the fighter she was, she pushed through and got to come home, she was stuck in bed, but she was alive and home. And then late June/early August she would have to return to the hospital, only to come back home and have to be rushed back to a different hospital a week later. She was given the choice to come back home with family and die or go to a care facility and have the same fate, she chose to come home. At first everything was looking up, but then she took a turn for the worse. She would be unresponsive, and the only time she was awake she would be screaming and begging in pain. Her Hospice nurses said that the only reason she wasn't dead was that the pain wouldn't allow her heart rate to slow down enough to die, so we made the hard decision to send her to the care facility. Less than an hour ago we got the call that she passed away.

I am numb. I feel like I should be screaming, and crying, and cursing but I just feel numb.

My grandmother was the best person I had ever met. She was kind, and strong, and so understanding. We would watch South Park together and she was the only one to ever actually listen to me. She took me in when my home life with my stepdad and mother became too toxic to stand. She would tease me and we would pick on my aunt with her. We would tak about dogs, and horses, and cats. She taught me how to cook, and how to bake, and how to take care of myself. We would sing old timey country songs together and watch cooking shows, and true crime together.  Everything I wrote, everything I drew she would praise as if were made by Shakespeare and Van Goh. Even when I was a monster, when my depression and bipolar was so bad I was unresponsive she was always so understanding. Even though she was dealt a shitty hand in life she was the strongest, most amazing person,

I love her so much, I am going to miss her so much. I don't know how I'm going to make it without her. I hope she knows how much I loved her, how much I respected her, and how much she meant to me. She saved me and I owe everything to her. 

I love you Nana, and I hope when we meet again you'll be proud of me.