Every morning the first thing l could think of was you, but I don’t think that even my initials rang into your mind. Every time our eyes met l could feel the adrenalin flowing under my skin, your glossy emerald green eyes looked like they were telling a story even with one glimpse.
I kept telling myself that everything is alright; l kept telling myself that I'm just a small town girl whilst he is a big city guy. I never knew that convincing yourself is way harder than convincing someone else until l fell for you. There was war between my heart and mind ;my heart was telling me a fairy tale and my mind on the other hand was saying welcome to the real world, that guy will never be in love with you. To me you where everything a girl could ever dream of; to me you were magnificent, handsome, and enchanting. The only part I hated about you was your arrogance but it was all imperceptible when I looked into your overpowering eyes.
Yes, we were worlds apart; you were popular and l wasn’t but believe you me, l was fine with that and still am, you were the only one who wasn’t and still isn’t. With your friends you would make fun of me but when we texted each other you would say all those angelic, charming, and saccharine words.
What I found strange, or shall I say astonishing was that sometimes you made me feel like an old and unwanted piece of rag but the most bewildering part was I was still madly in love with you. This didn’t make any sense to me either.
When you told me that you weren't engrossed my legs felt anesthetized; when you told me that you weren't interested my whole body was in vain. I didn’t even know what to do and what to say, but the first thing that came into my mind was one of my favorite quotes; “laugh at the confusion and smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason,” so I smiled through the tears and laughed in confusion and told myself everything happens for a reason. That worked for most of the night, but somehow I managed to put my face against my pillow, tears running down my face soaking every assimilate-able material close to me. Everything seemed so unreal.
Do you still remember the day it happened? It was on a Sunday the 22nd of May. I texted you saying how much I love you, my exact words were; “hi Atticus, how was your day? I’ve got something I need to tell you”, you replied saying, “hey what’s up? You can tell me anything you want. With my palms sweating, my heart racing and my face blushing looking like I have put the brightest blush from my blush palette; I nervously typed in all that was on my heart and with my hands agitating I pressed send. After a few seconds l saw a message saying, “wow unexpected”. Every part of my body was blistering I was really perturbed; I didn’t know what to expect good or bad news. After minutes of agony a new massage popped saying, “ lm so sorry but lm not interested , we are a bit out of each others league and lm sure you will find a perfect match for yourself because you’re indeed pretty”. Thank God no one was around because I was a quivering wreck, with a tear in my eye I replied, “at least you’ve told me the truth about how you feel,” the last message was; lm sorry but wrong timing. We said our good night and I was left with regrets and what ifs.
The next morning l came to school but believe me l was a bloody big mess inside even though I tried to smile and keep a straight face on. I really felt like an alien in a human’s world; l felt like everyone was talking about me. I felt depleted, puny, inadequate, crashed, every negative word in the dictionary, but what I know for sure is I wasn’t sorry because feeling sorry for telling someone the way you feel is just the same as feeling sorry for telling the truth and that’s not the ground I worship on.
Things happen life goes on. Just when you think you’re over someone they have to come and mess everything up, they start giving you mixed signals like seriously why on earth would you do that, I that thought you weren’t interested?
Trying to ignore your feelings is difficult especially when you don’t know what the other person is thinking, but I tried my best to because sometimes if you listen to your heart you will end up submerged in mud.
When I finally made my mind up that’s when I said enough is enough, I used to love you, I still love you and always will.
