Lost and Found

                                                                                     Chapter 1

        I fell in love once. It was an accident. It was like Beauty and the Beast except that I'm not that pretty and he is somewhat of a beast. He thinks he's ugly on the outside but is beautiful inside. A facade. A barrier. A wall. He would be beautiful no matter what he thought but because he isn't what everyone calls 'pretty'...He calls himself a beast. It's not true. He IS BEAUTIFUL. I, on the other hand, am just slightly cute. Not really, but just a little. It's like just enough to not be ignored. Not pretty enough to be acknowledged by most, yet enough to be noticed or ridiculed. The freak in the show that I wasn't invited to. Because I was a little different with an opinion and 'chubby', I was weird and left to be alone. I never planned on meeting this beast. He was crass and rude. He had serious issues. Let me stop and think a moment, if until recently, he had ever been considerate. No, He wasn't. He did this to keep people at bay. Lack of affection means no one will get hurt right? No one will ever fall in love. Because it keeps you safe. Hold the wall. Keep it standing and no one will ever figure you out. But that's just a cop out. People figure you out. It just took so long to scratch the surface even though he was truly abrasive. When we first met, I was honestly scared. The way he carried himself. The way he looked. The way he spoke. It was pure intimidation. Or terror. I'm not sure which? He exuded confidence I hadn't seen in a minute, yet was not sure of himself. I couldn't figure him out. Scary and beautiful in ways I cannot explain. I first met him by pure accident. Obviously, that is how you meet people. Duh. I was terrified to even speak to him, look in his eyes, let alone walk near him. I'm not even sure I spoke to him the first couple months I knew him. It was pretty much just a random hello. I couldn't get past how much he scared me. How I ever broke that barrier to even have an actual conversation is beyond me. I knew the 'bad boy' thing was a front...But I wanted to know why. Who hurt you? I couldn't ask and I wasn't completely sure I wanted to know since I could barely bring myself to speak to him. When we got past the basic 'hello' is when he started to open like a beautiful yellow rose. That was the color of his aura when I started trying to work out 'how to speak to him'. Maybe he was more like an onion? Lots of layers. And if you peel away those layers correctly you won't cry. Even though he seems so damn mean...He has never once yelled at me. Probably because I was too scared to speak to him but even later he never once hurt me. I don't think it was in his soul to hurt me. I hadn't done anything to hurt him. My only crime was to accidentally fall in love with him. I guess why I tell this story is because I was already promised to someone else. You aren't allowed to fall in love with someone else when you are with another. If you fall in love with the second...You were never in love with the first. Yet, as much as one could fabricate another scenario, you fall in love with this beautiful beast and you're the only one that sees it. No one gets out alive. How did you love? What wouldn't you do for love...Or what would you do?                                              

                                                                                   Chapter 2

          Love is an addiction...Did I find it or I am waiting on the rose to wilt? I'm not sure. Because how could such a person that is 'undesired' be loved? Easy. Quite being a dick. Like I said, he was never mean to me. If I needed anything stuck in this captivity, he would get it. I'm not talking Prada or a Tiffany lamp. Just a simple understanding when or if I was allowed to leave. Meaning he would carry in the groceries. That is more chivalrous than people imagine. It really is the little things. He would drive to town to buy me petty things like candies and little topiary shaped trees. Maybe a bottle of soda or these little rocks he could find in this little stream ouside of town. I really liked the cute little pebbles he would bring and leave for me. It was a sentiment that was better than diamonds. It just meant you thought of me for just a moment. Maybe I wanted a Tiffany lamp??? I could never be Audrey Hepburn at Breakfast At Tiffany's. I am the worst at trying to make a joke!! Gah!! Now back to my story. I feel like I'm trying to jump the gun because he left and I feel if I have to be stuck as a captive alone...Without him....I am the withering rose. It's not him? It's me. Fuck! He could never love me anyway. I'm also not desired. How could anyone love me? I never dreamed I'd love someone like him. Nope. Didn't plan on falling in love. Especially with this beast. How could you? I know how to unfortunately fall in love. You look into his eyes. You watch him staring at you while you're reading and he thinks you aren't paying attention. Goodness...The way he looks at you...He looks at you in such a way...You wonder why he is so mysterious? You wonder why he is so illusive? You wonder if he really does care? Nah. Not this fellow. I couldn't imagine him loving anyone. At least that's the way he presents himself. This beast has to have some kind of heart when he looks at you that way. And when he leaves me alone to fend for myself for days...I become so discouraged. Restless. I have no one to talk to. Even though our conversations are brief when we do speak. I don't mind how brief they are. I just like to think that he likes to hear me talk to an extent. I suppose I can prattle on for quite some time. Talking to your reflection isn't always great and you shouldn't do that anyway because it's probably psychotic. So, I try not speaking to my reflection often. I'm just so alone. I really do miss my friends. The few I had before I got stuck in captivity. It's not that bad here...I just miss the outside world. I still have anything I need. I just miss being in the 'real world'. I'm not EXACTLY sure why I want to return to the mundane grind of social interaction. I've been here for over a year. I've adjusted so well to the loneliness and my little gifts. I'm quite ok. Just lonely.